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Survivor story
#64
Original story
Message to a Survivor
I believe you even if you don’t believe yourself
Message of Healing
Healing means setting boundaries and not letting my trauma consume me.
When I was 14 years old I was with a boy who was mean to me. The first time we hung out he grabbed my hand and stuck it down his pants without asking and I was scared. We stayed together. One day he really wanted to come to my house after school because he knew nobody was home. He asked me over and over again to come over and just kept telling him no because I didn’t want him too. He got on my bus and refused to leave. I didn’t want to look like a “bitch” so I didn’t make a big deal. Just laughed it off. Then when he followed me home I kept telling him to go away and he just said he was coming over. I didn’t know what to do because I did not want him to come over because I knew he would try to have sex and I didn’t want to. When I get nervous I laugh a lot so when I tried close the door on him and he just pushed through i was laughing but I wanted to cry. I blame myself a lot because of that. Because maybe he just didn’t take me serious. We then moved to the couch and he wouldn’t stop asking why I was paranoid. I told him it was because my mom was going to be home soon. He told me I worry too much. When he got on top of me and started kissing me and started to try to put his hands in my pants I will never forget the fear and panic I felt. I got up and told him I had to go to the bathroom. I tried to get myself together I didn’t know what to do. When I opened the door he was standing there with his dick out and told me I had to do something for him. I told him to put it away and kept laughing because I was so scared. He actually listened this time and moved on to his next goal. in the hallway I told him I didn’t want to do anything and he fingered me anyways. I told him no. I didn’t really do anything I just stood there. I didn’t fight or scream. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to make a big deal. I just gave him what he wanted. I vaguely remember giving him head after. I don’t remember anything about that day until I reread a journal entry about it 5 years later and all the memories came back. A couple weeks after this incident almost the same exact thing happened with him and we broke up it a little while later. 5 years later I still deal with this almost every single day. I cannot stop believing that I made it all up or that it wasn’t even that bad or that it was my fault Even posting on here is hard because I feel like people will think my story is dumb and it was my fault. But i really hope this helps. I want to move past this.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.