children molesting children. we’re still victims

12 years since the first time and 3 years since the last. I know in comparison to others my story seems simple and not hard to get over. But it’s been confusing. Weighing on my chest daily. Every waking moment I think about it and question myself. Is it really that bad? Am i being dramatic? Did I like it? I’ve never told anyone about this. Not my parents, not my fiancé, no one..ever. But I need it off my chest and I need to know people can relate. My childhood best friend and me were always together. Every-weekend; We did everything together. I was a very shy and timid child and she was the opposite. I looked up to her I loved being her friend. It started like this. One day in 2nd grade we were playing with her back massager. She put it on her private and showed me and said “look, try it feels good” and moved it to mine it felt good so, we did it a lot together. Of course at the time I didn’t know what actually was happening or what it was I thought we were just playing and it was silly. And then one night about a year later, I was sleeping and felt someone climb into bed with me. I felt my pants slowly slide off. I was scared so I opened my eyes, but not enough for them to actually notice I was awake. Pants came off, underwear came off. Then she took my hand and started rubbing herself. Then she made me take her pants off and got on my face.When she was done with that, she climbed down between my legs and spread them. She began touching me. I pretended to be asleep during all of this even though I was wide awake, mind racing, scared out of my 8 year old mind. I figured when she stopped we could just forget about it. But instead of returning my underwear back on me, she put my pants on me and left my underwear on my chest. I started freaking out. Now how am i supposed to act like I didn’t know? I asked myself. I “woke up” hours later and pretended not to know and just put my underwear back on. Never thought about it again. Never happened again. We remained friends, as I didn’t want her to know I knew what happened. Fast forward 10 years almost, Junior year of high school. We hadn’t spoke in years and she asked me to come over and have some drinks. I agreed. We began hanging out and she was encouraging me to have more drinks. So I did. Eventually when we felt drunk she said she had a man she talked to that sent her money for her to send him selfies in red lipstick and asked if I wanted to do it with her and we could split the money. I thought, wow 200 dollars to take selfies clothed with red lipstick im in! but little did I know it wasn’t just that. We applied some bright red lipstick from the dollar store. Soon after we began taking pictures she began to take my clothes off for them. It started again. The panic. Not knowing what to do or say. I knew I felt uncomfortable and I didn’t want to do it but I was frozen. I just kept saying it’ll be over soon. She said okay let’s go to the bed I think that’s good. Then she pulled out a small purple vibrator. She said it’s okay don’t be nervous we’re drunk and it’s just for the money okay it’s not weird. I started to say no but once again, didn’t know what to do. She just kept saying don’t be scared. She began a video before I even agreed. She spread my legs and began using it on me. I was so nervous and shaking so badly I wasn’t even enjoying it in the slightest. Eventually it was over, but she had a video and pictures of everything. Still to this day i’m so worried about that. I’ve never seen her since but it’s still on my mind every single day. Did I want it? Obviously I did because neither time did I say no. But I know I didn’t because I feel so violated over it. It’s embarrassing and it made me feel dirty. I know it’s not my fault but it makes my heart pound thinking about it. And I always wonder would I have a better life and healthier mind if that never happened to me? Do I forgive her? Does she know she did wrong? Why did she do that? or even am I making it up? Those are all questions I think will never be answered, but i’ve learned to be kind of okay with that. I’ve learned a lot from those experiences and it made me grow as a person. I know i’m not alone. And it feels so good but scary to put it out there but I hope someone relates and sees their not alone. I’ve not seen a story like mine from the victims pov so I hope I can help someone else find what their looking for with this.