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Survivor story
#486
Original story
I was 19 years old and a sophomore in college. I had never had sex. I was naiive. I met a senior boy on a dating app during finals week and told him I didn't want to have sex, but eventually agreed to a make-out session. He immediately pressured me into doing more. I gave him a blowjob to try to appease him, but he wouldn't stop, even when I said I was a virgin and wasn't ready. I said no many times. He said he'd use a condom but didn't. When I kept saying it hurt, he said, "You just have to let it happen." When I left, he asked me if I had a good time and I said yes. I hate myself for it. I went to the hospital and got a rape kit done. I struggled with panic attacks in the days after and went back to the emergency room on suicide watch, which I remember vividly and which was extremely traumatic. I lost my entire friend group over it and sank into the deepest depression I have ever known. I struggled with extreme anxiety, self-hatred, shame, and hopelessness. The next semester of school I did everything I could to keep myself alive, especially because I was rooming with the friends who had emotionally abandoned me and now were being cruel. My assault was on campus and I would have to drive to local coffee shops to do work without triggering a panic attack. I am now 21 years old and a senior in college. I have a new friend group, all of whom are good people. I have a 3.91 GPA and I am writing a thesis about which I am very passionate. I am singing again. It is easier to breathe. I still struggle a great deal with depression, resentment, and shame. I feel like I am grieving what I lost and who I would have been. I had to grow up so fast, and it hurts that I have so much to carry at so young an age. But I have also found great strength within myself. I think I am a kinder and empathetic person because of what I have gone through. Some days are worse than others. Sometimes it hits me by surprise. I am still figuring out who I want to be. I've struggled with dating since my assault, but hopefully someday that will be a possibility for me. It is still so hard, but I have hope again.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.