#1441

I feel miserable. You gaslighted me for my clothing, my actions, most of the things I did. But why did you say you like me and love me if you don't like a lot of things about me. You tried to control me and you did. You tried to block my relationship with ppl, you acted like you supported me but the truth is you always wanted to block me. I forgave you after you hit me, pushed me, yelled at me and punishing me for nothing. We broke up several times, because you told me to but you always came back and said sorry for being jerk and wanted to get back me. I knew we were not in a healthy relationship and you had a lot of red flags. I don't know why but I thought you were being genuine when you apologized and believed in you. Every time we got back together, the problem didn't go away. I knew it. I regret and feel miserable because of my decision. I just wanted a supportive and loving relationship. Maybe I was too naive. But I'm that kind of girly who believes in love. You were being so aggressive after we broke up. The last breakup was also initiated by you. Why do you care what I'm wearing after we breakup? Why can't I wear something that I want to? You also said that it's none of your business but why did you start cursing and threatening me after you saw me? Why do I have to feel insecure and scared for walking my neighborhood? You told me that you moved closer to my house but you have to remember that I didn't ask you too. I just told you it will be great if we live close by when you told me you wanted to move closer to me. I didn't asked and begged you to come. It was your decision but why are you blaming me for moving closer? I lived in my neighborhood much longer than you but why are you acting like you were the one who lived longer? I'm scared to see your cold eyes. It feels like something has broken inside my heart or body. I cry everyday because of you. Not because I miss you. I feel sorry for myself and sad that I'm experiencing all of this situation ny myself. I'm embarrassed and ashamed to tell what I experienced even though I am a victim. Maybe it's harder for me because I'm a victim. I'm scared that pol might judge me for my wrong decisions. I'm frustrated and feel alone. I don't feel alive these days. I pretend I'm okay but I'm not. I know this will end but I want to end soon but I also know that this won't end sooner than I want.