#822

When I was in Kindergarten, I was in a group with 3 boys, we are talking about how the crayons did have a wrapper on it, calling it naked. I don’t remember how it to this point but the next thing I remember is them showing me their private parts and for some reason I did the same. I remember knowing that I was told never to do that and I don’t remember why I did it but I do remember the end result. I was called into the principal’s office to tell them what happened and back then there was no word for Coercion which is what I’m pretty sure it was however I could be extremely wrong. My mom was also a Spanish speaker so I remember she understood most of it but not all of what I was telling her and the principal. The next thing I remember was being taken home but we went to my dad construction site instead. She severely beat me to the point where I was running out of the truck to my dad. I put this memory away up until a few days ago when somehow I started to remember. All I can think about is how I was beat for telling the truth and not really knowing any better I was 5. I do remember my mom telling me it was my fault and till this day I don’t know why I did what I did but I remember it’s my fault and the guilt hasn’t gone away since unlocking this memory. I blame myself obviously. I guess I’m here to not make myself feel better but in hopes that getting this out with help me heal. I’ve never told anyone this before, including my husband. Im 26 and currently pregnant, I’m terrified that what I am will affect my child. I didn’t even know if it was considered sexual abuse but I think it was. I was always seen as the problem child to everyone of my moms friends and family., i guess i can see why. This isn’t even the last sexual abuse I experienced just the first and honestly most traumatic for me.