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#627
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As cliche as it may be, things will get better. You are believed, you have value, and you deserve the greatest happiness. And you will get it! Make sure to put yourself first, to look out for yourself, and to surround yourself with those who genuinely care about you.
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For me the core element of healing was accepting that I had worth. After the assault I felt unloveable, like my body only existed as something for other people to use, that I would never find comfort or enjoyment or pleasure from intimacy. That process had a stark turning point when I ended relationships and friendships with people who were clearly having a negative impact on me. While it was of course tough to end things with people who I had known for years, escaping my thoughts and behaviours, and the influence that those people had held over me, resulted in shockingly quick turnaround in how I felt about myself, my confidence, my value and my worth. I have also found it extremely cathartic to be able to connect with others in the LGBTQ community who have experienced something similar. The experience of being closeted and knowing the impact that disclosure can have is shared by many, and can be applied here. Having the experience of coming out, and of disclosing something that is inherent to you, and contrasting that against the experience of the assault which is not about you but instead is something done to you, was also incredibly helpful.
I was assaulted by a man, who was an acquaintance, in my apartment. We had hooked up once before, and it had been quick but fine. Things started consensually, but at one point it began to hurt me and I asked him if we could stop. At that point, he pushed down on my upper back, high enough that my mouth was half pushed into the pillow. I froze, and couldn't move at all. I just waited for him to finish whatever it was he wanted to do. The aftermath was extremely confusing. I first thought that it was just a bad experience. But as the months went on, I realised it was playing on my mind too much to be dismissed as that. Six months after the assault, I sought some medical tests. It was a year after, amid a particular run of sexual assault stories in the media, that I contacted rape crisis centre to get help. I also reported to the Gardai several years after my assault, and while they handled it well they also warned that if I was to pursue an investigation that the process could be very exposing and I chose not to take it further. My assault took place only six months after I had come out as queer, and so it felt like much of what I had worked hard to accept about myself and to go through as part of coming out was impacted -- the freedom to be who I was and to enjoy my sexuality was taken away for a long time. My assault was not the first time nor the last time I experienced non-consensual behaviour, although was by far the most serious and impactful occurrence.
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