#224

Grandma’s house I don't Think anyone really Knows how long It really Went On. I don't remember how old I was when it started either. I don't really know the age I was when any of It happened. I tried to block out most of it. I was young we lived in a little blue house. Grandpa would babysit me and my older brother Name. Because mom worked Before School and didn't come home till 5, we would go up the hill to grandma's house before and after school. Grandma was a nurse, So She was gone at the Same time as mom was, so grandpa watched us. Grandpa would go Outside to work or fall asleep on the couch leaving me and Name alone. It started all of a Sudden Name would take me into a room where he could close the door. I remember the first time he pulled me into my grandparent’s room he pulled down his pants then he made me touch “it”. I was crying because I knew I wasn't supposed to even be looking at It, it’s a boy's private part. It just got worse from there. At that time grandma had a door in her laundry room and that’s where we would play school because the chalkboard was there. Name would close the door, and make me lay on my stomach and he would pull my pants down around my Knees. He would put his hand on my mouth so grandpa couldn’t hear me cry. The day grandma replaced the door with a swinging door was one of the best days of my life. He found other places though; it was a constant struggle. I was so young The Yellow house It only stopped for a little bit. We moved to the yellow house and mom got a new job. She worked a night Job and my Stepdad worked days so there was a 2.hr period where Name and I would be alone. It was the same thing almost every day. I would find every excuse in the book to make him stop “I was sick, my head hurt”. They never worked. He would tell me don't tell mom she will be so upset and I'll have to hurt you". I didn’t like to upset Mom, and I definitely didn't want to be hit. I Can Say I was in 5th grade when This was happening at this point It was whenever and wherever he could get me alone. One time it was across the Street from The elevator in a little clearing. one time when we were up at grandma’s house I think it was a holiday. We were playing outside. We were allowed to run around town, it was a small town. He tried to get me alone, but I remembered that church doors are always unlocked. I ran to the church. I then realized all that would do was make it so he could really get me alone so I ran out the side door and back up to grandma's house he caught me I was already full-blown tears by now. He told me to tell mom that I had fallen and that’s why I was crying, so that’s what I did. My world changed one morning, he and I were alone again and he was getting ready to start. He had my pants pulled down when grandma just happened to walk in. I instantly started crying. I couldn’t tell you if it was because I was scared of what she would do or what he would do or even the fact now someone knew, maybe it was a cry of relief. She told me to grab a blanket and go to the car. We went up to her house where I sat on the couch and cried while she called my mom who was on her way home. She got there and grandpa called saying Name was up in his room threatening to kill himself. Mom ended up calling 911. She brought me school clothes and my bookbag. The bus pulled up in front of the house where there were flashing cop lights. Everyone put that and the fact that Name hadn’t gotten on the bus together. They kept asking what happened and I said nothing. The bus driver asked if everything was alright, and I just cried. Mom picked me up early because we had to go to Omaha where they were admitting Name. That day I was asked so many questions I can’t remember them, but I can tell you I lied, I just wanted it all to be over with. I didn’t want them to tear my family apart. They still did, I had to move in with my grandparents and we had to have weekly therapy sessions. After a while they were able to move on, I was able to move back in and life went on. I never got to move on. I pretended everything was okay. Nothing was ok. I was afraid to be alone with any guy older than me. I thought there must be something wrong with me, why me? As I get older I regret not telling the truth. Maybe things would be different. Maybe it would have stopped what came next. Brick house Years later, I was in high school. I would say life was good, but I'd be lying. I was suffering from what I could only blame on depression. I hated the way I looked. I hated everything about myself. I didn’t want to do homework. Hell, I didn’t want to go to school. There were really bad days that I didn’t want to be alive. I used to self-harm. My wrist and thighs were the most popular spots. I wore tons of bracelets to cover the marks. Witch, sometimes they would chafe my arms and hurt, so they served two purposes. I was still afraid we were older and he always had a girlfriend but I hated being alone with him. Mom was with a different guy, he had two kids who were both younger than me. The most important part of that is the youngest one was a daughter. He didn't know of Name’s or my past. He should have been told we should have protected her. Everyone thought he was fine but no one really knew. They thought Name was over all that stuff but they were so wrong. I always thought it would happen again to me but I was wrong. One night mom was working the night shift and the stepdad was as well. I was laying in bed when all of a sudden I heard my little sister crying. I went out to the living room where I found him on top of her. I grabbed her and brought her to my room where I locked the door. We lied in bed and cried together. I told her everything would be ok, I would tell Mom in the morning but don’t tell anyone else till we get things figured out. She fell asleep and I cried. I was holding the only other person who knew exactly what I was going through. That morning when mom got home I went right to her. She told me she would take care of it and that my little sister was to sleep in my room from now on. It was weeks before anything happened. My little sister was only at our house on the weekends; she lived with her mom the rest of the week so we only had to worry on the weekends. The day my whole life changed for a second time. I went to school just like I did every day. My first class was small engines, I remember the secretary walking up to me and telling me to grab my stuff because there was a family emergency and my mom was there to pick me up. I grabbed my stuff and walked out the door trying to figure out why she didn’t call my phone. I looked down and my arms were covered in grease. I got to the car where both my mom and stepdad were with my little brother. I got in and was informed Name had been arrested, apparently, my little sister told her mom who reported it to the police. We had to go to the police station to talk to the cops. We got there and my mom went in a little bit later they called me in and I told them what happened that night I brought her into my room. We were there for 2 hrs or more when my mom came out crying. She handed me her stuff and told me she loved me. They were arresting her for not reporting it. So both my mom and big brother were going to jail. My stepdad took us to the car when he got in. He was on the phone with my grandma telling her what had happened. The whole way home he was apologizing telling me he was sorry but he couldn’t stay what I hadn’t realized till he dropped me off at grandma's was he was packing up and leaving taking his kids and leaving me all alone. I might have had the rest of my family but not my parents or siblings I was by myself. I hated him for that hell I still do. I understand why he left but who just takes off like that. My Own House Now that it’s years later I don’t see the stepdad or his kids at all and Name is still in jail. A lot has changed. I am slowly learning to love myself for who I am. I got married and live in my own house with no bad memories in it, only good ones. I am working on loving my life, and It mostly gets better, but it's not right away, or all at once but I'm trying to sort through everything that happened so my life can move forward. But as I've gotten older I realized that so much more needs to happen. I need to be able to tell my story not lie. I need to do things for my benefit, Not everyone else's. I know I have so many people who will support me and stand behind me. This has been a long journey, but maybe someday I will not have to worry so much.