Mother dearest

My mother had me very young and she has always used that against me. She was only 15 when she had me and I am the oldest of four children. I have always been her punching bag I was taught to abide listen obey never disagree to always be truthful and honest with her, but her to never be truthful and honest with herself nor other others Anytime she did something wrong or anytime she made a mistake. She blamed me. She would become aggressive, both physically and verbally when I would not agree her form of punishment prior to intervention was to use a belt that had metal G’s all the way across it. One time she had this belt buckle that had a metal dragon as the belt buckle itself, and it was fairly large and she used that to hit me very hard with as an adult the abuse continued, and the family always made excuses for her and ignoring my heart, ignoring my pain and taught me that we’re just supposed to allow her behavior because she had such a bad childhood or I would say that my childhood wasn’t as bad as hers down playing my emotions down playing my feelings and downplaying the abuse that she in fact did to me and specifically me more so than anyone else. And because I grew up making excuses for her behavior, her actions her words because I grew up believing every hard horse thing she said about me was true, even though I knew in my heart it wasn’t but because she would get other people in the family to believe her and listen to her or she would cut me off so that I could not speak or she would say no one wants to hear all of that But what she really meant when she said no one wants to hear all of that is you won’t get the chance to tell your truth now is a 33-year-old mother I have decided I can no longer make excuses for her. I can no longer allow her to get away with her behavior. I can no longer allow my kids to be around her. Because though they may be safe around her, her physical, emotional and mental abuse on me in front of them is not acceptable and I know that as they get older, the abuse will begin on them too. I have found myself in multiple different relationships, where the dynamic is exactly the same because that’s what I was used to. That’s what I was taught was acceptable. That’s what I was taught to think is OK or to make excuses . Whenever I disagreed whenever I pointed out something she was wrong about even as an adult she would hit me kick me out. Throw my things call other family members and tell them her side because only her side can be truthful and never give me the chance to say mine or hope that like I usually did I would just say nothing and allow her her peace so that no judgment would be passed on to her. Because after all her childhood was in fact worse than mine, her abuse was in fact worse than mine and I just can’t allow it anymore. I’ve had to block my entire family because as I am struggling with the same dynamic with my children’s dad, I could no longer take it from her. Who’s home I had fled to to get away from the same dynamic in abuse For the kids and I and had no job so I had nowhere else to go even though my psychiatrist therapist told me to go to a shelter I did not listen because my mother told me that I would for sure lose my kids if I did that, but now I’ve had to do that Because even though their dad and his controlling manipulative, gaslighting and financial control was awful. It wasn’t physical so now I’m fighting two demons at the same time while knowing in my heart that this is not my fault this is not me. I am not the problem in these relationships. The problem is that I have been taught to accept this since the very beginning my mother tried to get me hospitalized saying that I’m crazy and that I need help even though that’s already worked before and I’ve gone and all I have been diagnosed with his anxiety and depression. My children’s father tries to say the same thing, but my therapist and my psychiatrist has assured me multiple times time and time again if that is not the case that saying that sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me is not true for me. Words hurt the most because I don’t know whether to believe them or not And without the physical, it’s almost like I’ve been taught to make excuses and trust everyone or anything that they anyone says because at least they didn’t hit me right but then when she does hit me and she lies and says I hit her first when I made that decision at a very young age to never have the same type of relationship she and her mother had to never hit her and I never had until yesterday at 33 years old, but she did in fact hit me first as she always has. She did in fact a tip to get me to fight her, but rather than fight her after I shoved her off of me and slapped her one good time which she had coming rapped her all these years of abuse torture manipulation, telling me that she’s going to cancel my Lawyer fee and tell the credit card company that it was me who took her phone and made the payment that she never authorized It That she’s going to help my kids. Dad take the kids away from me that I need more help because I wouldn’t agree with her and try to rationalize with her yet again about how it’s not fair that someone could not possibly be lying about me because I’m always the liar in her scenario, but that same person can be lying about her but then say that that person is in fact, not a liar so that person couldn’t be a liar about me, but can be about you. She shoved me to the ground. I hit my back on the staircase. She was on top of me swinging and hitting. I slapped her and pushed her off of me. When I stood up she got in a fighting position like a boxing fighting position and said you wanna fight come on let’s fight so I ran to the living room. I grabbed her cell phone. I turned around as she was running behind me she shoved me. I hit my head on the fireplace mantle. I held her phone up above her as I am taller than her and I dial 911 as I dial 911 and was hitting send she tried to get the phone for me and couldn’t so she yanked a chunk of my hair out of my head And when the officers finally answered, and I was explaining everything, she instantly lied and said that I framed her and I took my hair out of a brush to tell them that she pulled my hair, but she didn’t touch me. I did not use my own personal phone to make this call because she had thrown my phone out the front door at this point already. I’m just so sick of all of this and the flying monkeys that are involved and I just want better for myself and the kids and did not continue this repeat cycle, where I lose myself where my kids have to witness things that they should never have to see or where my kids are taught to accept things and people for who and how they are because oh well they had it worse than you.