When I was young, my older female cousin made me preform oral on her. At the time I didn't know it was inappropriate, and I was curious about it. I even asked to 'play' again later. As an adult, I realized it was sexual assault and feel deep shame, particularly because part of me didn't hate the experience. This has been difficult to process. Is this normal? Additionally, now that I'm married, sometimes during sexual activities my body gets a strange feeling at a certain point that makes me want to stop immediately, even if I was enjoying it before. What might be happening?

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It takes a lot of courage to open up about such personal experiences, and I want you to know that your feelings are valid. It's not uncommon for people who have had similar experiences to feel a mix of emotions, including confusion, shame, and guilt, especially when those experiences involve childhood and family members.

What you're describing is completely normal and are common reactions to childhood sexual experiences. When children experience sexual contact initiated by someone older, their bodies can respond physiologically even while they lack the maturity to understand or consent to what's happening. This physical response doesn't mean you wanted the abuse or that you're responsible in any way.

When you were young, it was natural to be curious and to see things as games without fully understanding their meaning or consequences. Children often don't have the capacity to recognize inappropriate behavior, especially when it involves someone older whom they might trust. The fact that you didn't know it was wrong at the time and even sought it out again doesn't mean you did anything bad or that you are to blame. It's important to remember that you were a child navigating situations beyond your understanding, and the responsibility lies with the older individual who involved you in those activities.

Children naturally seek connection, approval, and are curious about their bodies. An older person exploiting these normal developmental characteristics is taking advantage of a child's vulnerability and trust. The shame you feel is a very common response, but please know that nothing about your reactions - either as a child or now - indicates any fault on your part.

The physical sensation you're experiencing during intimacy now could be what therapists call a "trauma response." When your body reaches a point similar to past experiences, your nervous system might activate a protective response designed to keep you safe. This can happen even years later and even in safe, consensual situations with someone you trust and love. Your body remembers experiences before your conscious mind fully processes them. These feelings might be confusing and frustrating, but they are a normal response to what you've been through. Healing is possible, however.

Many survivors find that working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in sexual trauma can be incredibly helpful. They can provide tools like grounding techniques for when these feelings arise, and help process the complex emotions surrounding your past experiences. Organizations like RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) offer resources and can help connect you with appropriate support.

Please be gentle with yourself. Healing isn't linear, and understanding these responses is an important step. You deserve compassion and kindness as you work through this, both from others and from yourself. Thank you for trusting us with this. We appreciate you.