When I was a young child (around age 5-7), I had sexual interactions with my cousin who was about the same age. Though there wasn't force involved, these interactions happened multiple times. Now as an adult, these memories cause me distress. Would this be considered childhood-on-childhood sexual abuse (COCSA), or was this developmentally normal childhood exploration? I'm struggling to understand how to process these experiences.

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience with us. Childhood experiences involving sexual behaviors can indeed be confusing and can affect us differently as we grow older. What you've described involves situations that made you uncomfortable, and it's completely valid to feel affected by those memories.

Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) typically refers to sexual activities between children that are not appropriate for their age or developmental stage, especially when there is an element of coercion, manipulation, or a significant power imbalance. Some factors that can distinguish COCSA from normal childhood curiosity and exploration include:

• Age or Developmental Differences-- A significant age gap or difference in maturity between the children involved.
• Coercion or Pressure-- One child persuading, pressuring, or forcing another child to engage in sexual activities.
• Non-Consensual Behavior-- One child feeling uncomfortable, scared, or unwilling to participate but feeling unable to refuse.
• Secrecy and Shame-- Being told to keep the activity a secret or feeling ashamed about what happened.

In your situation, even though your cousin was close in age to you, you mentioned that she asked you to lie on the bed and proceeded to do things to you. The fact that you continued to engage in these activities afterward suggests that it became a recurring interaction. It's important to consider how you felt during those times. If you felt confused, uncomfortable, or unsure about what was happening, those feelings are significant.

It's also understandable that you feel sick thinking about this experience now. As we grow older, we often gain new perspectives on past events, and feelings can emerge that we didn't anticipate. Feeling distressed about these memories is a valid response.

Only you can decide how to label or interpret this experience. While both you and your cousin were around the same age, if the activities made you feel uncomfortable or if you felt unable to refuse, it could be helpful to acknowledge those feelings and explore them further.

If these memories are causing you distress or affecting you in any way, it might be beneficial to talk to a mental health professional who can provide support and guidance as you process these feelings. They can offer a safe space for you to explore your emotions and help you understand how this experience may have impacted you.

Remember, your feelings are important, and you deserve support in navigating them. You're not alone in this, and reaching out is a courageous first step. Thank you again for sharing your experience with us. You are not alone.