When I was a child (8), an older family member (13) wanted to play 'boyfriend and girlfriend' in the bathtub. During this 'game,' they kissed me and touched me while I was undressed and they remained clothed. At the time, I thought it was just playing, but now looking back I realize how inappropriate that was. I don't know if this was COCSA and it's driving me crazy trying to figure it out.

Thank you for sharing your experience and for the courage it takes to reach out about something that's been weighing on your mind. It makes sense to look back on this moment with confusion, especially now that you understand more about healthy boundaries and how children relate to each other. It's completely understandable that you're trying to make sense of what happened, especially when childhood experiences can feel confusing to process as an adult.

What you're describing could fall under Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA), but only you can label your experience. Children at ages eight and thirteen are at very different stages of development. That five-year gap represents substantial differences in physical development, understanding of sexuality, and social power during childhood. In situations where an older child directs sexual play toward a younger child, it can cross into harmful territory even if it feels like a game at the time. That difference in maturity can create a power imbalance, which can be a key factor in what professionals call COCSA. The fact that you were undressed while they remained clothed, combined with the kissing and touching, suggests behavior that went beyond typical childhood play.

It's important to remember that your family member was also a child at thirteen, likely navigating their own confusion about sexuality and boundaries. At that age, children are still developing their understanding of appropriate behavior and may not fully grasp the impact of their actions on younger children. This doesn't excuse what happened or minimize your experience, but it can help provide context for understanding that children who engage in inappropriate sexual behavior are often acting from their own lack of understanding, exposure to inappropriate content, or even their own experiences of boundary violations.

This experience does not mean there was anything wrong with you at the time. You were only eight, and children often go along with what an older kid suggests because they don't have the same understanding of boundaries that an older child might have. The confusion you're experiencing about whether this "counts" is something many survivors of childhood sexual experiences struggle with. When we're children, we don't have the framework to understand when something crosses appropriate boundaries, especially when it's presented as a game by someone we trust. Your brain naturally tried to make sense of the situation in the only way it could at the time --as play. This doesn't mean what happened was okay, and it doesn't diminish the impact it may have had on you.

Looking back and feeling that it was odd or unsettling is a normal response once you're old enough to recognize these differences. The fact that you're reflecting on this experience now and questioning it shows your adult understanding recognizing that something wasn't right. You're not alone in questioning or analyzing childhood memories as you grow older. If the memory is causing you distress or if you're questioning it continually, it might help to speak with someone who understands these situations—perhaps a counselor, support line, or anyone trained in working through childhood boundary violations.

You deserve validation concerning your discomfort, and it's okay to name what happened in the way that feels right to you, whether or not you decide to call it COCSA. The most important thing is recognizing that you were a child who didn't ask for or truly understand what was happening. Your feelings now do not change that you did nothing wrong and did not cause what happened. Whatever you decide to call this experience, your feelings about it are valid, and seeking support to work through these memories can be incredibly helpful. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, seeking gentle, knowledgeable support might bring clarity and help you feel more at ease with this part of your past. Thank you for trusting us with this.