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When I was 17, I had an encounter with someone I'd known for only two weeks. Despite repeatedly telling him I didn't want to engage in any sexual activity, he continued pressuring and begging me. I was somewhat intoxicated, and eventually agreed - not because I wanted to, but because he made me feel obligated. A year later, at 18, I still feel violated by the situation and am questioning whether this was sexual assault or abuse, given that I technically agreed but felt pressured into it.
Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
Thank you for sharing this with us. It's completely understandable to feel confused and unsettled after an experience like that. What you've described involves someone repeatedly pressuring you into sexual activity after you've clearly said no, and that's not okay.
Consent is a crucial part of any sexual activity, and it must be given freely and enthusiastically without any form of pressure, manipulation, or coercion. If someone continues to beg or pressure you after you've said no, they're not respecting your boundaries or your autonomy. The fact that you agreed only after feeling like you had to or owed it to him doesn't constitute true consent.
Additionally, being intoxicated can impair your ability to make decisions and give informed consent. This further complicates the situation and could contribute to why it feels wrong to you now. Only you can label what you have experienced, but what you shared could certainly be considered a form of sexual coercion, which is a type of sexual assault. Sexual coercion involves someone using pressure, guilt, manipulation, or persistent requests to compel someone into sexual activity against their wishes.
It's important to acknowledge your feelings about this experience. Feeling violated is a valid response, and you're not alone in feeling this way. It might be helpful to talk to a trusted friend, family member, or a professional counselor who can provide support and help you process what happened.
You deserve to have your boundaries respected, and it's not your fault that this person chose to disregard them. I am so sorry you had to experience that. Taking care of yourself and seeking support can be valuable steps toward healing. You are not alone.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.