Today I learned what COCSA is and it made me remember childhood experiences. Around age 5, I was exposed to sexual content and activity involving my stepfather and mother. In elementary school (ages 8-9), my friend and I began exploring sexual topics together. We talked about sex, watched pornography, and engaged in sexual behaviors including masturbating in front of each other and exploring our bodies. I became preoccupied with sexuality, felt shame, and sometimes lied about sexual experiences to seem "cool." I'm now almost 19 with a high libido and other issues from childhood. Was what happened between me and my friend COCSA? What happened to me? I feel like I'm overreacting but have no one to talk to about this.

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with us. It's brave of you to express these feelings and experiences, especially when they've been weighing on you for so long. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so overwhelmed and distressed right now.

It's completely understandable that remembering these events from your childhood would bring up strong emotions. Being exposed to sexual content and activities at such a young age can be confusing and upsetting, especially when you didn't fully understand what was happening. The feelings of shame, disgust, and confusion you're experiencing are normal reactions to situations that were inappropriate and beyond your control.

The early exposure to sexual content and activity between your stepfather and mother sounds like inappropriate exposure of a child to sexual behavior. Children shouldn't be in situations where they witness adult sexual activity, as this type of exposure can be confusing and distressing for young kids who aren't developmentally prepared to process such experiences.

When children are exposed to sexual behavior or materials before they're developmentally ready, it can impact how they view themselves and their relationships with others. It sounds like you were in situations where boundaries weren't appropriately respected, both at home and with your friend. The experiences with your friend, though between peers, still left you feeling uneasy and uncertain, which is important to acknowledge.

Regarding your interactions with your friend, COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse) refers to sexual behaviors between children that involve manipulation, coercion, or an imbalance in power or understanding. Childhood sexual exploration among peers can be a complex topic. It's normal for children to be curious about their bodies and about sex, but when this exploration involves activities that cause distress or confusion, or when it goes beyond what is developmentally appropriate, it can be concerning. What you've described sounds like mutual sexual exploration between children of similar ages who didn't fully understand healthy boundaries. This doesn't diminish your feelings about these experiences—they clearly had a significant impact on you—but context matters when understanding childhood sexual behavior.

Many of your reactions—the preoccupation with sexual content, seeking validation through sexuality, confusion about boundaries, and persistent shame—are common responses to early sexualization. Children who are exposed to sexual content before they're developmentally ready often struggle to integrate these experiences in healthy ways.

It's also understandable that you're wondering whether your friend has similar feelings about those past experiences. People process things differently, and it's possible she may or may not be reflecting on those events in the same way. What's most important is how you're feeling now and finding ways to address and process those feelings.

The strong emotions you're feeling now as you process these memories are completely valid. Many people experience delayed reactions to childhood experiences as adults, when they have the emotional and cognitive capacity to understand what happened. You're not overreacting or being overly dramatic. The distress you're feeling is real, and it deserves attention and care.

The shame you describe is a common response, but please know that children aren't responsible for the inappropriate sexual environments or situations they're placed in. As children, we do our best to make sense of experiences with limited understanding and coping skills. Please remember to be kind to yourself. The shame and guilt you're experiencing are common, but they don't reflect any wrongdoing on your part.

Your experiences matter, and healing is possible. Many people with similar childhood experiences have found relief through professional support, self-compassion, and gradually building healthier relationships with themselves and others. You're not alone, and there are people who care and want to help. Please take care of yourself.