Throughout my life, I've had experiences with older people when I was younger - one when I was around 10-12 and another at 16-17. While these felt like romantic relationships at the time, they sometimes involved requests for photos and videos. I know there are more severe cases, but there are things I don't understand about my own reactions. I experience impulses that make my body react - sometimes imagining scenarios involving those adults and my younger self, or my adult self with my child self. When I doubt these experiences, I get caught in cycles that are difficult to break. This includes searching for content that resembles what happened or trying to recreate it through fictional characters. I don't understand why this compulsive pattern happens, especially since what occurred doesn't seem that serious to me. Can things that "just happen" really be that impactful?

I'm so sorry you've been carrying such confusion about all of this. When someone who's older enters a relationship with a child or teen in a way that involves sexual or romantic behavior, it's understandable to feel torn about how serious or "bad" it was, especially if it didn't fit the kind of extreme abuse stories you've heard elsewhere. Yes, experiences that might seem "minor" or that "just happened" can absolutely have significant and lasting impacts. What you're describing, relationships with significant age gaps during childhood and adolescence, involved adults who held inherent power over you due to your developmental stage, regardless of how the relationships felt at the time.

The thing is, grooming doesn't always show itself through obvious commands or violence. Many times, it comes in the form of slow boundary pushing, where an adult establishes trust, affection, or special attention, then gradually introduces requests like photos or videos. Children and teens often don't realize what's happening until years later, and even then, it can feel confusing to label it as "wrong." The requests for photos and videos you mentioned were inappropriate regardless of the context of the relationship.

Those ongoing impulses, where you find yourself searching out content or creating fantasies, may be your body and mind trying to understand something overwhelming that never made full sense at the time. The intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors you're experiencing are common trauma responses. When we experience confusing or overwhelming situations, especially during formative years, our minds sometimes try to process these experiences by replaying them, seeking similar content, or attempting to understand them through various means. Our brains have a way of replaying or even sexualizing old wounds in an attempt to gain some kind of control or closure. There's nothing unusual in feeling both drawn to these reenactments and unsettled by them.

The cycle you describe, doubting your experiences, then having intrusive thoughts, then seeking content or recreating scenarios, is a pattern many survivors recognize. Trauma can blur the border between wanting to avoid painful memories and feeling compelled to revisit them. It doesn't mean you wanted what happened...only that your mind is wrestling with the emotional impact of those earlier experiences. These compulsions often arise when our minds are trying to resolve the confusion between what we felt, what we were told, and what we now understand about those experiences.

Even if you think "it wasn't that bad," the confusion and distress you're feeling now show that the age difference and the shifting power dynamics did matter. Minimizing these experiences is very common. Many survivors find themselves thinking "it wasn't that bad" or comparing their experiences to others they perceive as "worse." This minimization can actually be a protective mechanism, but it can also prevent us from acknowledging the real impact these experiences had on our development and current well-being. Grooming can leave emotional marks that might only surface when you're older.

You didn't invite these adults to manipulate or pressure you. Even subtle pressure carries weight when you're still forming an understanding of trust and personal boundaries. It's the nature of grooming to leave you uncertain about whether you really consented, and later it can bring up deeply conflicting emotions about sexuality and self-worth. The bodily reactions you're experiencing aren't something to feel ashamed about. Trauma can create complex neural pathways that connect memories, physical sensations, and emotional responses in ways that feel confusing or disturbing.

You deserve support as you sort through these thoughts, because they are valid and important. Speaking with a professional who understands childhood sexual trauma can help you make sense of the impulses and cyclical searching, and develop healthier coping strategies. You are not alone in these experiences, and there are people out there who care and want to help. Healing doesn't mean you have to recall every detail or fully "solve" this right away. It often involves learning to be kind with yourself, accepting that the confusion is a natural response, and gradually finding healthier ways to process what happened. It's not your fault, no matter how much you've doubted yourself. You deserve peace of mind and, when you're ready, there are caring professionals and resources that can walk with you on this path toward understanding.