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Why do I self-harm and what is the best way to stop?
Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
First of all, talking about self-injury is really hard, so thank you for asking this question. We have asked our favorite psychiatrist to help answer this. We promise you, tons of other people are wondering the same thing. We believe in honest conversations about uncomfortable topics, but sometimes talking about self-injury can be triggering. If now is not a good time, bookmark this post for later. If you need help, The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 800-273-8255.
Let’s start with ground rules. Self-injury does not make you “crazy,” you aren’t “broken,” nor are you “just seeking attention.” These are all super unhelpful myths (or lies) from people who don’t understand how the brain works.
I talk to people about self-injury as a “force quit.” When we have a ton of files open on our computer while also launching two new programs, the wires and messages can get crossed and the system can freeze. If you are like me, you sit there for a while in growing frustration, clicking wildly between windows, which only slows things down more. Then you hit “force quit” and the computer stops in its tracks and attempts to re-boot.
While the human brain is much more complicated than a computer, we all have experiences that can lead to “crossed wires” making it challenging to process the stress and emotions of daily life. Our brains can get “stuck” and we literally don’t know what to do. Self-injury can become our “force quit” command.
There is nothing wrong with seeking ways to “re-boot.” Everyone (and I mean everyone- yes even the most Zen person you know) has strategies for coping with his or her own processing jams. Concern comes when those strategies involve harming yourself.
Talking to a professional about your specific wiring can be helpful. That said, there are other re-boot strategies to consider. I find tools from the Cornell Research Program on Self-Injury and Recovery to be a great place to start. See the link in our bio for more information. Their whole website is full of accurate and helpful info on healing from self-injury—I recommended them to many people in my practice.
Hope and Healing,
The Anonymous Psychiatrist
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.