When my sister and I were young (ages 5 and 7), we found explicit content on our father's computer. This eventually led to inappropriate touching between us. This is extremely distressing for me to think about, and I don't know how to understand it. I'm confused about how to navigate these memories and believe it may have contributed to my hypersexuality. Is what happened considered assault or COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse)? I read that COCSA requires a power imbalance. I didn't know it was wrong at the time, and neither did she, but it feels so wrong and makes me sob when I think about it. How can I process these experiences?

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling such distress over these memories. First, I want to acknowledge how difficult it must have been to put these experiences into words and reach out for help. That takes tremendous courage, and your feelings of confusion and pain are completely valid.

When children are very young, like you and your sister were, they often don't fully understand boundaries or the implications of their actions. Discovering explicit material at such a young age can be overwhelming and may lead to behaviors that feel confusing or troubling later on. Children naturally imitate what they see without fully understanding the meaning or consequences. Both you and your sister were children who didn't have the knowledge or maturity to comprehend what was happening.

Regarding whether it was assault or child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA), these terms often involve elements like a significant age difference, coercion, or a power imbalance. Since you and your sister were close in age (5 and 7) and both unaware of the implications after being exposed to the same explicit content, it might not fit the strict definitions. Many professionals would view this as harmful sexualized behavior resulting from inappropriate exposure rather than one child deliberately victimizing another.

The feelings of shame, guilt, or feeling "dirty" that you're experiencing are common responses to these complicated childhood experiences. However, it's important to recognize that you were not at fault. You didn't know it was wrong, and neither did your sister. What's most important now is how these past experiences are affecting you emotionally and how you can find healing.

Early sexual experiences can influence later sexual development, including potential hypersexuality, as the brain creates associations between sexuality, intimacy, and your earliest exposures. These patterns can be addressed through therapeutic work with the right support.

Working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual experiences would be invaluable in helping you process these memories and their impact on your life. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental space for you to explore your feelings and develop healthier patterns. Many survivors find that professional support helps reduce shame and develop compassion for their younger selves who were navigating a confusing situation without proper guidance.

Remember that you were a child in circumstances beyond your understanding, and you don't have to carry this burden alone. Both you and your sister deserved protection and guidance. The feelings you're experiencing now are part of recognizing the impact of these experiences, which is an important step in your healing journey. With the right support, it's possible to work through these feelings and find healing. Thak you for trusting us with this. We appreciate you reaching out.