When I was younger, my grandmother engaged in inappropriate sexual behavior with me over many years. I didn't receive any sex education growing up, so I didn't have the language or education to understand what was happening. At the time, I resisted—I would hit her and pull away—because I hated it, but it still felt normal since it had been happening for so long. Recently, I visited her and found myself dressing up and seeking her attention, wanting to prove to myself that the abuse really happened. She responded the way she used to—touching me inappropriately and making comments about my appearance—which confirmed my experiences, but now I feel terrible. I was so stressed during the trip that I was taking a lot of Benadryl to cope. I feel guilty, dirty, and confused about why I sought that validation. Why do I feel so awful after getting the answers I thought I needed?

I'm so glad you reached out, and I want you to know that everything you're feeling makes complete sense given what you've been through. What you are experiencing now are common responses to childhood trauma—especially when that abuse came from someone who was supposed to protect and care for you.

First, I need you to hear this: you were a child. The resistance you showed (e.g. the hitting, the pulling away) those weren't cruelty. Those were a child's way of fighting back and trying to reclaim control when someone was violating your boundaries. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Your grandmother was the adult with all the power and responsibility, and she violated that trust profoundly. Your reactions, both then and now, are not your fault.

What you did during your recent visit (seeking validation that the abuse really happened) is something many survivors do, and it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. When trauma happens over years and becomes normalized, especially without the language to name it, many people need concrete proof that their memories and experiences are real. The pull to make yourself "pretty" for her, despite the harm you've lived through, doesn't make you dirty or rotten. It shows how deeply we can want closure or understanding of something we should never have had to prove in the first place. Your mind was seeking confirmation, trying to make sense of something that felt confusing for so long. This doesn't make you responsible for her behavior. She made the choice to respond inappropriately, just as she made those choices when you were a child.

The awful feelings you're experiencing now are trauma responses. When someone who was supposed to protect you causes harm over so many years, it can create a powerful push-and-pull of both yearning and revulsion. These conflicting feelings, though they may feel exhausting, are very common for survivors. You're grieving the childhood that was stolen from you, and you're processing the reality that someone who should have loved you safely instead harmed you. Seeing glimpses of your younger self in the mirror is heartbreaking because you're connecting with that child who deserved so much better. The self-blame and shame you're experiencing, even the tears when you see your younger self, are your body and heart releasing all that you've had to bury for so long. It's not proof that you're tainted or broken. It's proof that what happened matters, and that you're trying to heal.

Using substances like Benadryl to cope with overwhelming feelings is understandable. It signals how desperate you are to quiet the storm in your mind. But you deserve healthier support and understanding, not just to numb the hurt. I strongly encourage you to connect with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse. Right now, confiding in someone you trust (e.g. a close friend, a counselor, or a support line) can help soften the sense of isolation and provide the steadiness your mind and body are craving. A therapist can walk you through strategies to manage flashbacks, shame, and those conflicting emotions about your grandmother. They can be a safe place to unpack how you feel without judging you, and help you find healthier ways to ground yourself when memories or guilt threaten to take over. Many survivors find that therapy, particularly approaches like EMDR or trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy, can help them work through these complex feelings.

You didn't deserve to be hurt when you were small, and you deserve kindness and patience from yourself now that you're confronting it. You are not dirty or rotten. You are a survivor making sense of something deeply painful, and everything you're feeling is a normal response to abnormal circumstances. Be as gentle with yourself as you would be with another person going through this kind of pain, because you deserve the compassion you were once denied. Give yourself permission to rest, to cry, to feel angry—in each of those moments, you are trying to shed the weight of what was never yours to carry in the first place. And with the right kind of support and a bit of time, that weight can begin to lift. Healing is possible, and you don't have to carry this alone.