When I was younger, I was exposed to adult sexual content and had inappropriate experiences with adults online. During that same period, out of curiosity about sex, I asked my younger brother if he wanted to "play" something sexual (without penetration) and he agreed. I feel very guilty and disgusted with myself. Was this COCSA or normal childhood sexual play? Is this something very serious?

Thank you for sharing your story with us. First, I want to acknowledge your courage in sharing something so difficult and painful. The feelings of guilt and disgust you describe are understandable, but I want to help you better understand this complex situation. What you describe reflects the profound impact of your early exposure to adult sexual content and inappropriate experiences with adults online. When children are exposed to sexual material or sexualized experiences before being developmentally ready, they may mimic or explore what they've seen without fully understanding it. This can sometimes lead to interactions with other children that, in hindsight, feel confusing or upsetting.

Determining whether an experience is considered Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA) or childhood sexual play can be complex. COCSA typically involves a power imbalance, coercion, or force, while childhood sexual play generally occurs between children close in age who are exploring out of curiosity, without intent to harm or manipulate. The difference also includes factors like significant differences in power, age, or development, and behaviors that replicate adult sexual activity. In your case, given that both you and your brother were children and that you perceived it as a game at the time, it seems your behavior arose from curiosity influenced by inappropriate exposure, without intent to harm, though you recognize that you had more sexual knowledge than your brother due to your previous exposure.

It's crucial to remember that you were a victim of exploitation by adults who took advantage of your childhood vulnerability. Those adults are completely responsible for harming you. As a result of that victimization, you developed sexualized behaviors that weren't typical for your age. At ten years old, you were still learning about boundaries and appropriate behavior, and your younger brother was even less equipped to understand. This doesn't make you a bad person; it makes you a trauma survivor who manifested understandable symptoms.

Feeling guilty and disgusted with yourself is a heavy burden to carry, but it's important to recognize that as a child, you didn't have the maturity or understanding to fully grasp the implications of your actions. You weren't at fault for being exposed to inappropriate content, and you were navigating complex feelings and curiosity without proper guidance. The guilt you feel is real but directed at yourself when it should be directed at the adults who harmed you.

It might be helpful to speak with a mental health professional who can provide a safe space for you to explore these feelings further. They can offer support and help you process your emotions, allowing you to find compassion for your younger self. I strongly encourage you to seek therapeutic support specialized in childhood trauma and sexual victimization. Remember, you're not alone, and reaching out for help is a strong and brave step forward. You deserve healing and compassion, especially toward yourself.