When I was younger, I became friends with a new girl at school. Over time, she began crossing my physical boundaries in small ways...touching my waist and putting her legs on mine. She also isolated me from my other friendships, turned people against me, and told me I was selfish if I had friends besides her. She tried to manipulate my parents and took over my hobbies and interests. She made it clear that if I didn't do what she wanted, there would be consequences, and I felt powerless and alone. During this same time, I was also being sexualized and objectified by two other girls at school. Eventually, after years of this dynamic, we were talking about the sexual experiences our friends were having, and I could tell she wanted something to happen between us. I felt like I didn't have a choice, so I suggested it, and we kissed. This happened three times before I told her I didn't want to do it anymore. My mother firmly believes this was sexual abuse. But I'm the one who suggested it, so how could it not be my fault? After years of her manipulation and mind games, was my ability to consent compromised? Am I to blame?

Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal and painful. I can hear how much weight you've been carrying around this. What you're describing is a pattern of behavior that unfolded over years before anything sexual ever took place. It sounds like this person systematically crossed your physical boundaries, isolated you from your other friendships, manipulated the people around you, took over your interests and identity, and made you believe that failing to comply with her wishes would result in losing even more. By the time the sexual contact occurred, you had already spent years being conditioned to believe that your needs didn't matter and that resisting her would only lead to more loss. That context is essential to understanding what happened.

You mentioned that you were the one who suggested it, and I understand why that feels so significant to you. But I want to gently reframe what you described. You said yourself that she made it clear there would be repercussions if you didn't do what she wanted. You said you could tell she wanted something sexual to happen. You said you felt like you didn't have a choice. And your reasoning in the moment (that if you did this, maybe she would leave the boy you loved alone) reveals that this wasn't a free, enthusiastic choice. It was a survival strategy. You were trying to protect something that mattered to you from someone who had already taken so much.

True consent requires the freedom to say no without fear of consequences. When someone has spent years manipulating you, isolating you, and punishing you for not complying, that freedom doesn't exist. The fact that the words came from your mouth doesn't mean the choice was truly yours. Coercion doesn't always look like someone physically forcing you...it can look exactly like what you described: years of control, manipulation, and fear that slowly erode your sense of agency until you feel like going along with what someone wants is the only option you have. Your ability to freely consent was absolutely compromised by the dynamic she created.

It may also help to understand that young people who are navigating their own identity, including their sexual orientation, sometimes act out in ways that are confusing or harmful to others, particularly when they don't have the language, support, or safe spaces to explore those feelings openly. It's possible that this girl was struggling with her own feelings and identity in ways she didn't know how to express or process, and that some of her behavior was rooted in that confusion. This doesn't excuse what she did to you...none of that was okay. The harm it caused you is real regardless of what she may have been going through internally, but holding space for that complexity can sometimes help make sense of a situation that otherwise feels impossible to understand. Her struggles don't minimize yours, and your experience deserves to be honored fully on its own terms.

It's also important to acknowledge that all of this was happening while you were simultaneously being sexualized and objectified by two other girls at school. You were navigating multiple situations where your boundaries and autonomy were not being respected, which would have made you even more vulnerable and exhausted.

I also want to address something about your mother's perspective. It's clear that she loves you and is trying to protect you. Her belief that this was sexual abuse comes from a place of care. However, only you get to decide what language feels right for your experience. Having someone else label what happened to you (even someone who loves you) can sometimes add to the confusion rather than ease it, especially when you're still processing. You may come to agree with your mother, or you may find that different words feel more accurate to you, and either is okay. What matters is that you are the one who gets to define your own experience, in your own time. 

If these feelings of shame and self-blame are weighing heavily on you, a trauma-informed therapist who understands the dynamics of coercion and manipulation can be an incredibly valuable support in helping you work through them. You deserve to process this experience with someone who can help you see what so many of us can already see...that this was not your fault. You deserve that compassion, especially from yourself. Thank you for trusting us with this.