When I was younger, a close family member sexually abused me for several months, which has significantly impacted my mental health with insomnia, depression, and worsened anxiety. This same person also forced unwanted physical contact when we were both even younger. I've never told my family about the abuse. Now I have an older cousin who makes inappropriate comments and is overly touchy with me, which makes me uncomfortable in the moment. However, I've noticed that afterward when I'm alone, I find myself having disturbing thoughts where I actually want him to assault me or imagine encouraging him to go further. This makes me feel disgusting and crazy. Is this normal behavior after experiencing sexual abuse?

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been through. It takes a lot of courage to share such personal experiences, and I'm glad you reached out. What happened to you was not your fault, and your feelings are completely valid. When someone violates your boundaries, especially someone you trust or someone within your family, it can be incredibly confusing and painful. Similarly, having a family member who disregards your comfort and makes inappropriate advances adds another layer of complexity to your healing journey.

What you're experiencing is actually a very common and completely understandable response to sexual trauma, and you are not disgusting or crazy for having these thoughts and feelings. Sexual trauma, especially when it occurs during childhood and adolescence, can create complex psychological responses that may seem confusing or contradictory to you, but they make complete sense from a trauma perspective. When someone experiences sexual abuse, particularly at a young age, it can disrupt the normal development of boundaries, safety awareness, and sexual understanding. Your brain learned to associate sexual attention with various complicated emotions, and these early experiences have shaped how you process similar situations now.

The thoughts you're having about wanting your cousin to assault you are what trauma specialists call "trauma reenactment fantasies." This happens because your mind is trying to process and make sense of what happened to you by imagining scenarios where you have some control or agency, even if that control feels disturbing to you. Sometimes, the mind tries to make sense of trauma in ways that can seem confusing or distressing, but these thoughts don't mean there's anything wrong with you. They can be a way your mind is attempting to process what happened in the past and regain some sense of control over situations that previously left you powerless.

It's also important to understand that trauma can create a pattern where we're drawn to familiar dynamics, even when they're harmful. Your brain recognizes the inappropriate behavior from your cousin as something similar to what you experienced before, and in trying to cope with that recognition, it sometimes creates fantasies where you have some perceived power in the situation. This doesn't mean you actually want to be harmed - it means your mind is working through trauma in the way that many survivors' minds do. The fact that you feel disgusted by these thoughts shows that your instincts for self-protection are still intact, even though trauma is creating these confusing mental responses.

You clearly understand that your cousin's behavior is inappropriate and unwanted, and you've appropriately distanced yourself and told trusted people about his concerning behavior. Your body and conscious mind know this situation isn't safe or desired, even when your trauma responses create different thoughts. Many survivors experience similar thoughts and feelings, and what you're going through doesn't make you disgusting or crazy. It makes you human, and it makes you a survivor working through the complex aftermath of trauma.

Healing from childhood sexual abuse often involves working through these kinds of complex psychological responses with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in sexual abuse. They can help you understand how your early experiences have shaped your current responses and give you tools to work through these feelings in a safe space. Many survivors find that once they begin processing their trauma with professional support, these disturbing thoughts and urges become much more manageable and eventually fade. It might also be helpful to talk to someone you trust about how you're feeling, whether that's a close friend or a professional who can offer support.

You deserve understanding, compassion, and safety. The abuse you experienced was not your fault, and neither are these trauma responses you're having now. Be gentle with yourself, and remember that healing takes time. Reaching out is a strong and positive step forward, and there are people who care about you and want to support you through this. Consider reaching out to organizations like RAINN (1-800-656-HOPE) where you can speak confidentially with trained counselors who understand exactly what you're going through and can help connect you with appropriate resources for your situation. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.