When I was in middle school, my older sister, who was in her late teens, would engage in sexual activity with her boyfriends in front of me. She would claim that they weren't doing anything inappropriate because she thought I believed her and didn't want me to tell our parents. My parents often used me as a pawn to keep an eye on her, thinking she wouldn't misbehave if her younger sibling was present. She would also share graphic sexual stories with me and encourage me to be sexual, smoke, and use drugs, while simultaneously telling me those things were bad and not to do them. I often feel like I'm upset over nothing, but these experiences sent me down a dark path, making me vulnerable to grooming, sexual abuse, coercion, and even sex trafficking. Was this child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA), or just inappropriate behavior?

Thank you so much for sharing this experience with us. What you experienced with your older sister during your middle school years was not okay, and your feelings about it are valid. It's understandable that you're questioning whether this was child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) or just "not good." Based on what you've shared, it sounds like your sister's behavior towards you was inappropriate and harmful, even if she may not have intended to cause you distress.

Being exposed to your sister's sexual activity at a young age, hearing graphic sexual stories, and being encouraged to engage in risky behaviors like smoking and drug use can be confusing and traumatic for a child. It's not uncommon for survivors of such experiences to feel a range of emotions, including upset, confusion, and self-doubt.

It's important to recognize that your sister's actions, whether she realized it or not, put you in a vulnerable position and may have contributed to the challenges you faced later in life, such as being groomed, sexually abused, coerced, and even trafficked. Your experiences are significant, and it's understandable that they have had a profound impact on you.

While the term COCSA is typically used to describe sexual abuse between children, the inappropriate and harmful nature of your sister's behavior towards you should not be minimized. It's essential to acknowledge that what you experienced was not fair or appropriate, and it's okay to feel upset and seek support to process these experiences.

If you feel comfortable and safe doing so, you might consider sharing your feelings with your sister about how her past actions have impacted you. This can be a difficult conversation, but it may help you express your emotions and potentially find some closure. However, it's important to prioritize your own emotional well-being and only have this conversation if you feel it would be beneficial for you.

Please know that you are not alone, and there are resources and support services available to help you navigate the complex emotions and challenges that can arise from such experiences. Seeking the guidance of a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in working with survivors of sexual abuse and trafficking can provide a safe space for you to process your experiences, develop coping strategies, and work towards healing.

Remember, what happened to you was not your fault, and your feelings are valid. Be gentle with yourself and know that healing is possible. If you need immediate support, or want to process this further, you can reach out to the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 or through their online chat. 

Thank you so much again for reaching out to us. You are not alone and your experience matters.