When I was around 3 or 4 years old, my cousin (who was about 5 or 6) and I were very close. At that age, we had a child-like idea that we would get married. During one interaction, he told me that people weren't really married unless they put their face and mouth on the other person's private parts. When I refused, he suggested I only needed to put my face, not my mouth. While he didn't physically force me or threaten me in any way, and I wasn't scared of him hurting me, I felt compelled to comply because he said I should. This happened once that I can recall. Was this COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse)? I'm trying to understand how to categorize this early childhood experience.

Thank you for trusting us with your story. This experience you've shared is so delicate and complex. 

Looking back at experiences from when we were very young - as you were at just 3 or 4 years old - can feel overwhelming and confusing. While only you can decide how to understand or label what happened, in my opinion, what you're describing appears to be an instance of early childhood curiosity and imitation rather than child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). At such young ages (3-4 and 5-6), children sometimes explore or imitate behaviors without any understanding of what they mean. Though the interaction wasn't appropriate, it falls into the realm of childhood behavior that, while misdirected, comes from a place of innocence.

It's concerning and sad that your cousin had knowledge of these acts at such a young age - this suggests he may have been exposed to something inappropriate himself. But at those ages, neither of you could have understood the meaning or implications of these interactions. You were both just small children, without the emotional or mental maturity to understand these actions.

I want you to know that whatever feelings you have about this memory - whether it's confusion, sadness, discomfort, uncertainty, or anything else - they are all completely valid. Early childhood memories can carry an emotional weight that we sometimes need help understanding. If this memory is causing you any distress or affecting your wellbeing, please know that seeking support is both valid and valuable, regardless of how we categorize the experience. There are kind, understanding professionals who specialize in helping people find peace with early childhood experiences just like this.

Remember, reaching out for support isn't just okay - it's an act of self-love. You deserve to find peace with this memory, at whatever pace feels right for you. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.