When I was a small child, I was sexually abused by my biological father. He threatened to kill me and my mom if I told, and this happened for months. I was very traumatized and never received therapy or treatment. During this time, I played house with a few other children, which didn't feel coercive, but I still feel awful about it. I also have a memory, recovered in adulthood, of grabbing a same-aged step sibling inappropriately once. I cannot fully remember the context, but I think it was harmful. I was somewhere between 9 and 11. I never tried to hurt anyone again, and once I understood it was wrong, I never did it again. I am now well into adulthood, in therapy regularly, and doing the work to heal from massive amounts of childhood trauma. I've never hurt anyone as a teen or adult. I struggle with immense guilt and have for years. I have no contact with this person and would never want to disrupt their life over something from 25 years ago. Should I allow myself forgiveness?

Thank you so much for reaching out to us about this and sharing such a vulnerable part of yourself. Carrying this much guilt for this many years, while simultaneously doing the hard work of healing from severe childhood trauma, takes an enormous amount of strength. You deserve to have that acknowledged.

What happened to you as a small child was not okay. You were subjected to ongoing sexual abuse, threats on your life and your mother's life, and it sounds like you received no therapeutic support in the aftermath. Without a safe outlet or healing space to understand what had happened to you, it sounds like you coped the only way you knew how. I would imagine your nervous system and developing brain were overwhelmed by trauma at an age when you had virtually no tools to process or understand any of it. Research on childhood trauma tells us clearly that children who are sexually abused and left without treatment are at significant risk of acting out what was done to them, not out of malice, but because trauma lives in the body and behavior long before it ever reaches conscious understanding. You were still a young child, deeply wounded and trying to survive the aftermath of abuse that was forced upon you.

It makes sense that you are experiencing guilt and shame, because children who survive abuse often blame themselves for what they did or didn't do while simply trying to cope. Many survivors battle this guilt for years, even once they recognize they were the victim of someone else's choices. Understanding now that you repeated behaviors you witnessed or endured might feel terrifying, but it doesn't change the fact that what you needed then was safety and support that you never received. The part of you that acted out was not a predator in the making. It was a wounded child doing what wounded children sometimes do when no one helps them make sense of what happened to them. The fact that you stopped, that you never repeated this behavior into adolescence or adulthood, and that you have spent years confronting this with honesty and deep remorse, matters enormously.

Forgiveness of yourself is not the same as dismissing or condoning what happened. It means giving that younger version of you permission to rest from the shame and self-judgment. It means acknowledging that a child working through trauma can sometimes act in confusing ways they would never choose as an adult with healthier support. At some point, continuing to punish yourself stops being accountability and starts being another form of harm, this time one you are inflicting on yourself. Guilt that has done its work, that has shaped you into someone who is safe, self-aware, and committed to doing better, does not need to be carried forever.

You have held yourself accountable in the deepest and most private way possible for decades, and you have chosen again and again not to cause harm. You are getting help now, working hard in therapy, and you have spent years striving not to hurt anyone. That reflection and commitment matter enormously. You don't have to hold yourself forever in a place of punishment for actions rooted in such severe trauma.

The guilt you feel reflects your capacity for empathy, guiding you toward healing rather than harm. You deserve the same compassion you would almost certainly extend to any other child in your exact circumstances. That little child was so alone and so deeply afraid. Allowing yourself forgiveness is not a betrayal of anyone. It is a necessary and deserved part of healing. You are worth every moment of that grace, and you are so much more than any harm that was done to you or that happened through you when you were a child. Thank you for reaching out to us.