When I was a child, I had a sleepover at my cousin's house. My cousin, who was about a year older, would often pick on me. During this sleepover, while we were sharing a room, my cousin pressured me to imitate sexual acts with her. I said no, but she wouldn't let me sleep until I participated. The memory is really foggy. I think we kept our clothes on and I remember being made to lay on top of her at some point. I felt very uncomfortable and just wanted it to be over so I could sleep. I never told anyone about it, and I don't really know how to talk about it when I don't remember everything clearly. Recently, I've been struggling and experiencing emotional flashbacks to that night. Does it count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) if it only happened once? Is it normal to not properly remember what happened?

I'm so sorry you're experiencing these difficult flashbacks and struggling with this painful memory. It takes courage to reach out and share something so personal, especially when the memories feel unclear. Your feelings and your experience matter, and you deserve compassion and support as you work through this.

Only you can define and label your own experiences. That's entirely your choice and your right. What you're describing, however, contains several concerning elements. Normal childhood sexual exploration typically involves curiosity between peers of similar ages, happens with mutual interest or agreement, and doesn't involve coercion or distress. In contrast, your experience involved you clearly saying no, being pressured until you complied, feeling uncomfortable throughout, and wanting it to stop --these are significant aspects that point toward harmful behavior rather than normal exploration.

The fact that this happened only once doesn't diminish its impact or significance. Harmful experiences don't need to be repeated to be valid or to cause lasting effects. It sounds like your cousin used manipulation and refused to respect your boundary when you said no, which created a coercive situation regardless of the frequency.

It's completely normal and very common not to remember traumatic experiences clearly, especially those that occurred in childhood. Memory gaps, foggy recollections, and fragmented memories are actually typical responses to trauma. Your brain may have protected you by not storing every detail of a distressing experience. The emotional flashbacks you're experiencing now are also a common trauma response. Your body and emotions remember the impact even when your mind doesn't retain all the specifics.

Your feelings about this experience are valid, regardless of how much you remember or how you choose to understand it. The neglect you were experiencing at home may have made you more vulnerable to this situation and less likely to speak up about it afterward. The fact that you're experiencing distress about this memory now is significant and worthy of attention and care.

These recent emotional flashbacks suggest that your mind and body are ready to process this experience now, even though it happened years ago. Consider reaching out to a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood experiences. They can help you navigate these memories and feelings in a safe, supportive environment, regardless of how you ultimately choose to understand or label what happened. You deserve care and support as you work through this experience, and you don't have to carry this alone. Thank you for reaching out to us.