When I was a child (8), an older sibling (12) showed me child pornography over the course of a few weeks. Eventually, when no adults were home, they told me to take photos of myself imitating the pornography they had shown me. They also showed me their genitals, let me touch them, and then performed a sexual act on me. Adults came home in the middle of it, but I can't clearly remember what happened next...I just know I refused to talk to anyone about it. I didn't fight or say no, and I think part of me felt curiosity and even wanted to seem mature. Does this count as COCSA or sibling abuse, or was it just normal children stuff? It also bothers me that I don't know what happened to those photos. Is it reasonable to be upset about that even though I don't know what they were used for? I'm also confused because after that period, my sibling went back to acting completely normal, and it feels like I'm the only one still affected.

I'm so sorry you've been wrestling with these questions. Thank you for trusting us with this. Nothing about what you described sounds like "normal children stuff." What you are describing seems to go far behind normal childhood curiosity and I would love to share more about my thoughts around it.

Children naturally have some level of curiosity, but it sounds like this reached a level that went well past simple interest or games. It involved explicit sexual content, a difference in ages and understanding, and behaviors that you weren't old enough to consent to. A four-year age difference between siblings does create a power imbalance, and when an older child repeatedly introduces sexual content or requests, it typically goes beyond normal childhood exploration. These behaviors reflect planning and escalation, which are hallmarks of child-on-child sexual abuse, or COCSA. Normal childhood sexual curiosity tends to be mutual, spontaneous, and between children of similar ages and developmental stages. What your sibling did sounds like it involved deliberate grooming...slowly desensitizing you with pornography over a period of weeks before escalating to direct contact. That pattern of behavior is concerning.

Having been only eight years old when this occurred, it was never your job to recognize or resist a situation that felt confusing or unsafe. The fact that you didn't fight, didn't say no, or even felt some curiosity does not change what this was. You were a child who had been gradually exposed to sexual content you had no framework to understand. Children naturally try to make sense of confusing situations. They often seek attention and affection any way they can. Feeling like you were being "mature" is a completely understandable response from a child in that position. Many survivors describe similar feelings, and it does not mean you were a willing participant or that this was somehow your fault. The responsibility always lies with the older child who crossed those boundaries. Your sibling was older, had more knowledge and power in that dynamic, and made choices that you (as a younger child) were not equipped to consent to or fully understand.

Your discomfort and anger about the photos make perfect sense, even if you don't know exactly whether they were kept or used. You do not need to know what happened to those photos in order to feel upset about their existence. It is reasonable to have lingering distress about images that were taken without your true, informed consent. The act of directing a child to create those images was harmful in and of itself, and you have every right to feel disturbed, angry, or worried about this.

As children, we don't know how to process something so confusing, which is why you might have refused to talk about it back then. That makes perfect sense. Your mind was trying to protect you in the only way it could at that time. It also makes sense to feel stuck now that you're an adult with more perspective on what occurred. Holding on to upsetting details doesn't mean your healing has stalled. Many survivors revisit childhood experiences and make new sense of them when they have the emotional tools to do so. Replaying everything now, as an adult, is a natural response to realizing how serious those actions were.

The fact that your sibling later acted like a normal sibling again does not change that the behavior you described crossed serious boundaries. You have every right to experience those emotions, and it's not your fault if you still think about them, even if your sibling seems to have moved on. Please remember you aren't burdening anyone by asking questions or expressing your anger. It's okay to need time and possibly supportive conversations, whether with loved ones, a counselor, or other survivors, to make sense of it all. If you find it helpful, a counselor specialized in trauma could provide a space to talk openly without judgment and help you sort through these painful memories. You deserve to voice your truth, be believed, and feel supported. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone, and what happened to you was not your fault.