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What should I do if my partner pushes my boundaries in a way that makes me uncomfortable?
Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
Healthy boundaries are an important part of any relationship—whether it’s romantic, platonic, or familial. As traμma survivors, boundaries are important to ensure we feel safe, secure, and able to put our well being first in relationships. This builds a strong foundation for healthy, mutually satisfying love going forward.
When a partner breaks your boundaries, it's common and understandable to feel hurt and betrayed. Consider using this situation, however, an opportunity to revisit a conversation about relationship norms.
To start, it can be helpful to communicate how you are feeling to your partner. This shares how their actions impacted you and why this boundary is important. You may also be able to better understand your partner’s intentions and feelings.
Was your partner aware of your boundary before crossing it? If your partner didn’t know, this can be a chance to clarify relationship expectations and needs. They may want to share their own boundaries too. Communication is key.
If your partner knew about your boundary, and chose to break it anyway—ask yourself why? Are they not respecting you and the limits you’ve established? Depending on the situation, this may be a red flag.
Some of your boundaries might be flexible, and you might feel comfortable adjusting them based on your partner’s needs. Other boundaries might be more rigid and set in stone—both types are important to have. You deserve to feel respected and heard in all of your relationships.
You are allowed to set limits and establish boundaries that protect you and that make you feel safe. You are allowed to expect people to respect those limits—as long as the boundaries don’t cause harm to someone else.
After experiencing abuse in a relationship, research shows that people tend to develop stricter boundaries with new partners. These boundaries typically become more flexible as trust, understanding, and mutual respect develops over time.
While it’s natural for our boundaries to evolve over time, ensuring we voice them is important to develop safety and security within a partnership.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.