What obligation do perpetrators of COCSA have to report the abuse they committed? This is something I've been struggling with along my healing journey. In the past, I wanted to report myself so that the survivor could more easily access therapy, but they heavily objected. I didn't end up reporting myself. I know that they've forgiven me, and that many years later we maintain a good relationship — but I still feel like I shouldn't move on. I'm scared that by not reporting myself, they might not have begun to heal. The survivor has told me to move on, and I don't want to bring it up to them again, but I feel very guilty that I didn't do what is best for them. How do I best support them, and how do I know if I can "move on"?

Thank you for reaching out to us with this. I want to acknowledge the courage it takes to sit with this question and I appreciate that you care so deeply about the wellbeing of someone you've harmed. 

To answer your question about legal obligation: in most places, there is no legal requirement for a perpetrator of COCSA to self-report, particularly when the incidents occurred in the past and both people are now adults. Laws vary by location, but self-reporting mandates generally apply to professionals in certain roles, not to individuals in your situation. This doesn't mean the question of accountability isn't real or important, but you are not likely carrying an unmet legal obligation.

What it seems like you are carrying is guilt and that guilt deserves to be taken seriously on its own terms. Guilt can be a healthy signal that we recognize when we've caused harm, but when it becomes chronic and immobilizing, it often needs its own space to be processed-- separate from the survivor's experience. It's also worth gently naming that guilt, while painful, is not the same as accountability. True accountability lives in your actions, your respect for boundaries, and your commitment to not causing harm-- all things you appear to already be practicing. The survivor has told you clearly to move on, and respecting that boundary is a form of supporting them. Continuing to center your guilt in relation to their healing can unintentionally shift the emotional weight back onto them, which is the opposite of what you want.

The question of whether they have begun to heal is not one you can answer, control, or be solely responsible for. Their healing journey belongs to them. What you can do is trust that they are capable of making decisions about their own recovery, including whether to forgive you, maintain a relationship with you, or ask you to move on. Honoring those choices is a way of respecting their autonomy.

"Moving on" doesn't mean forgetting or dismissing what happened. It means finding a way to hold accountability without letting guilt become its own form of harm, both to you and indirectly to your relationship with them. Working through this with a therapist who specializes in trauma and accountability could give you a dedicated space to process what you're carrying without placing any burden on the survivor. Thank you for asking about this.