Seven years ago, during New Year's, my cousin sexually touched me on a terrace while watching fireworks. He had previously abused me when we were children. During this incident, I froze and couldn't speak, but my body responded with physical pleasure even though I didn't want what was happening. My mind seemed to completely focus on the physical sensations, and I don't clearly remember how it ended. Years later, I find myself crying about this and feeling guilty about how my body responded. I've noticed similar automatic physical responses in other unwanted situations. Was this assault despite my body's response? Is this reaction normal?

Thank you so much for trusting us with your story. Let me offer some perspective that might help you understand your experience and reactions...

Physical responses during unwanted sexual contact are completely involuntary - like a knee-jerk reflex when a doctor taps it, or sweating when you're cold. These responses happen without our consent or control. Your cousin initiated sexual contact without your permission or desire, taking advantage of a situation where you were alone and vulnerable, and your previous history with him. Nothing about your body's response changes the fact that he acted inappropriately and violated your boundaries.

The "freeze" response you described, along with not remembering how it ended, is a natural survival mechanism that many people experience in threatening situations. When we can't fight or run, our bodies sometimes protect us by freezing or disconnecting from the experience. Your mind focusing intensely on physical sensations while feeling disconnected from everything else is also a common protective response.

It's understandable to feel confused and guilty about experiencing physical pleasure during an unwanted encounter. These feelings often surface years later as we try to make sense of complex experiences. Your current physical responses to certain touches, like when someone grabs your wrist, may be connected to these earlier experiences - our bodies sometimes develop automatic responses as a way of coping with past events.

Be gentle with yourself for your body's automatic responses, both during that encounter and now. What matters is that your cousin initiated sexual contact without your consent, taking advantage of your vulnerability and your previous history. Those actions were clearly inappropriate, regardless of how your body responded.

If you're finding these memories and reactions difficult to process, many people find it helpful to work with a counselor who specializes in complex experiences like yours. They can help you understand your responses and develop ways to feel more in control of your body's reactions. Thank you so much for reaching out to us. You are not alone.