Question

My partner (21F) recently shared that her uncle sexually assaulted her multiple times when she was 12-13. No one in her family knows, and her uncle still lives in her family home where she visits during holidays. I'm seeking advice on two things: how to support her mental health and be aware of trauma responses, and guidance on potential legal actions we could take. This would be a huge help for both of us.

Answer

Thank you for reaching out with such care and concern for your partner. Learning that someone you love has experienced sexual trauma, especially during childhood and by a family member, can feel overwhelming. Your desire to support both her healing and potential pursuit of justice shows deep commitment.

When someone discloses childhood sexual abuse, the most important immediate response is creating a safe, supportive space where they feel heard and believed. Your partner has carried this secret for years, and sharing it with you represents enormous trust. The key is to listen without judgment and follow her lead about how much she wants to discuss. Simple phrases like "I'm here for you" and "What happened was not your fault" can provide meaningful comfort and validation.

Trauma can manifest in various ways, and understanding these responses can help you provide better support. Your partner might experience anxiety, sleep disruptions, or emotional changes, particularly around family visits where she encounters her abuser. Now that she has disclosed, some repressed feelings may come out for her. She might withdraw from activities she usually enjoys, have difficulty with certain triggers (like specific places, smells, or situations), or experience sudden mood shifts. These are all normal responses to abnormal situations, not signs of weakness or something being wrong with her.

Supporting her sense of control is crucial, as sexual abuse fundamentally violates a person's autonomy. This means letting her guide conversations about her experience, respecting her boundaries about sharing details, and supporting her choices about family visits or pursuing help. Rather than pushing for specific actions, provide information and support while empowering her to make decisions about her healing journey.

Professional support can be invaluable, but suggesting it requires sensitivity. You might say something like, "If you're interested, I can help you look into counselors who specialize in supporting survivors," rather than insisting she needs therapy. Many communities have support groups for survivors, which can help reduce feelings of isolation and provide practical coping strategies.

Regarding legal options, the process begins with understanding your location's laws about historical sexual abuse. Consider connecting with a sexual assault advocacy organization in your area - they can provide free, confidential guidance about legal options and connect you with experienced lawyers who understand these cases' sensitivity. They can also help create safety plans for family visits and provide information about protective measures if needed. You can also reach out to RAINN's online chatline for more personalized legal support based on your location.

Remember to care for yourself too. Supporting a survivor can be emotionally demanding, and it's important to maintain your own wellbeing. This might mean seeking counseling for yourself or connecting with support groups for partners of survivors. Creating positive experiences together - engaging in activities she enjoys and building new memories - can also help balance the heavy emotional work of processing trauma.

Thank you for being such a kind and supportive partner. We appreciate people like you. Thank you for trusting us.