I've come to terms that I was sexually assaulted by my older cousin when I was younger (COCSA), but what I don't understand is why I felt so desensitized and sort of numb to the experience and shrugged it off until now. Is this a normal reaction? I mean I was young and now I feel this somewhat sense of blame that I let it happen.

Thank you for trusting us with your feelings and experiences. It takes a lot of courage to reflect on something so personal, especially when it involves complex emotions from childhood. What you're describing—the sense of numbness or desensitization to the experience—is actually a common reaction among people who have endured trauma at a young age.

When traumatic events happen in childhood, especially at such a young age, it's not unusual for the mind to protect itself by numbing emotions or compartmentalizing the experience. Our brains have protective mechanisms that can temporarily shield us from overwhelming experiences when we don't have the emotional capacity or language to process what happened. This protective mechanism can make it seem like you're shrugging it off, but it's actually your brain's way of coping with overwhelming feelings that are difficult to handle at that developmental stage.

Many survivors describe a delayed recognition of their experiences, sometimes years or even decades later. As you grow older and gain more awareness, those suppressed feelings and memories can resurface, leading to a range of emotions—including confusion, anger, sadness, or guilt. This happens because we can only process traumatic experiences when we feel safe enough to do so, and when we have the emotional resources and maturity to understand what happened. Something in your life now might have created the conditions where your mind feels it's finally safe to begin processing this experience.

The feelings of self-blame you're experiencing are also extremely common among survivors, but it's important to understand that what happened was never your fault. As a child, you were not responsible for what happened. Children cannot consent to sexual activities, and the responsibility always lies with the older person. Children often freeze when faced with confusing or threatening situations - this is a natural biological response, not a choice or failure on your part. Your cousin was in a position of power due to their age and familial relationship, and they misused that power.

Recognizing and accepting these feelings is a significant step forward. It's okay to feel unsettled by the delayed emotional response; this is a normal part of processing past trauma. Working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in sexual assault recovery can be incredibly helpful as you navigate these emerging feelings and memories. 

Please be gentle with yourself during this process. What happened to you was not your fault, and your reactions—both then and now—are valid parts of your recovery journey. You're not alone, and healing isn't linear. There are people who care and want to support you as you navigate these feelings. Thank you for reaching out to us.