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Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
Thank you for asking this question. I will try my best to respond, as some of these situations are quite individualized and complicated.
Sexual consent is a critical aspect of any intimate encounter. It's important to recognize that in some complex situations, one party might be unable to give consent due to various circumstances, including coercion or medical conditions like sexsomnia.
From a legal standpoint, many jurisdictions consider whether a "reasonable person" would have recognized the lack of consent or inability to consent. This means that if there are clear signs of coercion, a lack of alertness, or distress that a reasonable person would notice, failing to recognize these could potentially have legal consequences. However, if the signs are not apparent, the legal view can be more complex.
Ethically, we should strive for a higher standard than the legal minimum. While it might be challenging to recognize non-obvious signs of non-consent, we have an ethical obligation to ensure our partners are willingly and enthusiastically participating. This means being attentive, communicating clearly, and stopping if there's any doubt about consent.
It's crucial to understand that the responsibility for ensuring consent always lies with the person initiating or continuing sexual activity. If someone is in a situation where they cannot give consent - whether due to coercion, intoxication, sleep states, or any other reason - any sexual activity with them is not consensual.
These situations underscore the importance of comprehensive education about consent, recognizing signs of distress or coercion, and the potential for unconscious states like sexsomnia. Society generally expects individuals to exercise due diligence in ensuring their sexual encounters are consensual.
It's important to note that if you've experienced sexual violence, it is never your fault, regardless of the circumstances. Perpetrators may claim they were unaware or didn't recognize the situation, but this doesn't diminish the impact on survivors or absolve them of responsibility.
For everyone, these complex scenarios highlight the need for ongoing discussions about consent and respectful sexual behavior. If you've experienced sexual violence or are unsure about a situation you've encountered, please know you deserve support, care, and healing. Remember, you are not alone, and there are resources available to help you navigate these difficult experiences and emotions.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.