I'm confused about experiences from childhood that might be considered COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse). In 1st grade, I had a 'boyfriend' who would smack my bottom and lift up my skirt when we were at the back of the line away from everyone else. I told him to stop but he didn't listen. Another incident with this same boy was in computer lab when he walked over to me, squatted down and put his hand in my pants. He was touching me (no penetration). I can't remember much of what I was thinking then. I know I was confused and didn't understand what was happening. I felt uncomfortable but froze up and didn't stop him. He never asked if I was okay with this and said things like 'just be still' and 'you'll like this.' Looking back, I feel violated and gross. Part of me feels guilty for letting it happen, but another part feels I was taken advantage of. Am I gaslighting myself into thinking it was assault because I feel guilty, or was I just a child who was afraid? I never told any adults. How do I deal with this memory?

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It's important to acknowledge that you were a child at the time, and children cannot consent to sexual contact, even with other children. When you were in first grade, you did not have the developmental capacity to understand or consent to these interactions. The actions of the boy you described were not okay. Touching someone without their consent, lifting skirts, and disregarding someone's clear requests to stop are all inappropriate behaviors, regardless of age.

From a developmental perspective, it's worth noting that when young children display sexual behaviors that are advanced for their age or intrusive toward others, it often indicates something concerning in their environment. First-grade children typically don't develop such behaviors spontaneously—they may be imitating things they've witnessed, experienced, or been exposed to inappropriately through media or other sources. This doesn't excuse the behavior, but it provides context that this child may have been acting out something problematic from his own environment. Children who engage in harmful sexual behaviors often need intervention and support themselves.

The freezing response you describe is actually one of the most common reactions to threatening or overwhelming situations. Our bodies have several automatic responses to perceived threats: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. Freezing is a natural neurobiological response, not a choice or decision you made. It's entirely normal to feel unsure of how to handle such situations, especially as a young child who may not have the tools or words to assert themselves.

Feeling guilty for "letting" it happen is a heavy burden to carry, but please know that you did nothing wrong. You expressed discomfort and told him to stop, and he chose to ignore your wishes. The comments this boy made ("just be still," "you'll like this") suggest he was exerting control over the situation in a way that disregarded your autonomy and comfort. Children often don't have the ability to process or respond to inappropriate actions, especially when they're unexpected or come from someone they consider a friend.

Your feelings of violation and discomfort are real and important. It's common for survivors to question their memories and experiences, especially when they occurred during childhood. This questioning doesn't mean you're gaslighting yourself - rather, you're trying to make sense of confusing experiences with your adult perspective. The fact that this memory has stayed with you and continues to affect you indicates that it's significant to you. Trust your feelings—they are valid and deserve attention.

Processing these memories might benefit from support. Many find it helpful to work with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood experiences. Organizations like RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) offer resources and support for survivors at any stage of their healing journey. Self-compassion is also crucial - speaking to yourself with the same kindness you would offer to a friend sharing a similar story.

Remember that healing isn't linear, and there's no single "right way" to process these experiences. Your feelings about what happened may continue to evolve over time, and that's completely normal. What matters most is that you honor your own experience and give yourself permission to heal in whatever way feels right for you. You're not alone. Thank you for your trust.