If we were female cousins under the age of 10 (but she was almost two years older than me), and I didn't consent to sexual activity but also didn't actively refuse, was this COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse)? She had seen it in porn videos and told me we were playing games, but she still touched me and used her mouth on my vagina. She also touched my other two girl cousins my age, and she used manipulation and emotional and verbal abuse. And is it okay that now I sexualize myself as a result of her actions?

Thank you for reaching out to us and trusting us with your experience. What you've described aligns with many characteristics of Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA), but it's important to understand that only you can ultimately label your own experiences. COCSA typically refers to sexual activity between children that occurs without consent, equality, or as a result of coercion.

In your situation, several elements suggest this was not typical childhood exploration. The age difference, though small, can be significant in childhood development. You mentioned not consenting, even if you didn't actively refuse, which is crucial. The influence of pornography on the older child's behavior, the presence of manipulation and emotional/verbal abuse, and the involvement of other cousins in similar situations all point towards a more concerning dynamic.

When differentiating between normal childhood exploration and abuse, we consider factors such as the presence of coercion or pressure, significant age or developmental differences, repetitive or secretive behavior, and any signs of emotional distress in the children involved. Normal exploration is typically mutual, spontaneous, and doesn't involve manipulation or feelings of shame or fear.

It's important to understand that what happened was not your fault. Children cannot consent to sexual activity, and the responsibility lies with adults to protect children from exposure to sexual content and behavior.

Regarding your current self-sexualization, it's common for survivors of childhood sexual experiences to have complex relationships with sexuality later in life. This can manifest in various ways, including self-sexualization. While this is a common response, it may be helpful to explore these feelings with a professional to ensure they're not causing you distress or interfering with your well-being.

I would strongly encourage you to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in childhood trauma and sexual experiences. They can help you process these experiences and develop healthy coping strategies. Remember, healing is possible, and you deserve support in this journey. Your experiences are valid, and it's brave of you to seek understanding about what happened. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.