I woke up one night to someone fondling my breast. When I told a relative, they said to let it go because the person was also a relative and younger. I recently started having flashbacks of the incident. Later, my partner violated my boundaries and used physical violence when I said no. I feel disgust, anger, and weakness for not understanding that what happened wasn't okay. How do I deal with these feelings? Is this normal?

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been through. It takes a lot of courage to share your story, and I'm glad you reached out. What happened to you was not your fault, and your feelings are completely valid. It's understandable that you're experiencing a mix of emotions like anger, rage, disgust, and a sense of overwhelming mental weight.

When someone violates your boundaries, especially someone you trust or someone within your family, it can be incredibly confusing and painful. Similarly, having a partner who disregards your boundaries and resorts to physical violence is a severe violation of trust and respect. Feeling conflicted and struggling to process these experiences is a normal response to trauma.

What happened to you was not your fault. You did not "allow" yourself to get hurt - both the unwanted touching and the later violence from your partner were violations that happened to you, not because of anything you did or didn't do. When someone uses guilt, manipulation, and physical violence to override your "no," that is never your responsibility.

The dismissal you received when you disclosed the first incident likely compounded your trauma. Being told to "let it go" because the person was younger or related to you minimizes very real harm and can make you feel unheard and isolated. Your experience matters regardless of who caused it.

It's important to acknowledge that you are not weak for what happened. Many people find it difficult to recognize or fully understand abusive behavior when it's happening, especially when it comes from loved ones or those we trust. Blaming yourself is a common reaction, but the responsibility lies with those who chose to disrespect and harm you.

The flashbacks you're experiencing are your body's way of processing unresolved trauma. Our bodies often store traumatic memories that can be triggered later when we feel safer or when something reminds us of the original event. This is part of how trauma works in our nervous system.

You might find it helpful to reach out to a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in sexual violence. They can provide personalized support and techniques to help manage flashbacks. Many communities have sexual assault support services that offer free or sliding-scale counseling.

Self-compassion is also crucial in your healing journey. Try to speak to yourself with the kindness you would offer a friend in your situation. Remind yourself that your feelings are valid, your boundaries matter, and healing takes time. You might also consider finding safe ways to express your anger. This could be through physical activity, creative expression, or simply acknowledging these feelings without judgment. Your anger is a natural response to injustice and can be a powerful part of reclaiming your sense of self.

Remember that healing isn't linear, and there's no timeline for processing trauma. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and heard. Taking this step to share your feelings shows your strength and resilience. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this journey, and know that healing is possible.