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I was sexually assaulted, and although my attacker was found guilty in court, I was never allowed to see his face. This has left me constantly afraid of most men. Is there any way for me to find out what he looks like so I can begin to heal?
Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
Wow. This is so tough. I'm so sorry that you had to endure the trauma of sexual assault and then face the added pain of not being allowed to see your attacker's face in court. It's completely understandable that this experience has left you feeling afraid and anxious around men, and I want you to know that your feelings are valid.
The decision to conceal your attacker's face may have been made to protect his privacy or due to legal considerations, but it's important to recognize the impact this has had on your ability to heal and move forward. Not being able to put a face to the person who caused you so much harm can make it feel like the threat is everywhere, and that's an incredibly heavy burden to carry.
While I can't give you specific legal advice, I encourage you to reach out to the prosecutor's office or the victim advocate who worked on your case. They may be able to provide you with more information about why your attacker's face was concealed and whether there are any legal avenues for you to obtain that information. It's also possible that they can connect you with additional support services or resources to help you process your trauma and begin to heal.
It's important to remember that healing is a journey, and it's okay to take things one step at a time. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of seeking support if you are open to it and not going through this all on your own. Working with a trained professional can provide you with individualized tools and strategies to manage your fear and anxiety, and can help you work through the complex emotions you may be experiencing. You may also find it helpful to connect with other survivors who have gone through similar experiences.
Please know that your fear and anxiety are understandable, but they do not have to control your life forever. With time, support, and self-compassion, you can begin to rebuild your sense of safety and trust in the world around you. Thank you so much for reaching out to us. You are not alone.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.