I need clarity about childhood sexual behaviors that I now feel guilty about. When I was 10-11, my younger brother was 6-7 years old. After being exposed to pornography around that time, I engaged in inappropriate sexual behaviors with my brother including oral contact and attempted anal contact. This happened a few times before stopping. Later, around age 12, I also engaged in sexual experimentation with my cousin of similar age. When I was 18, I remembered these events and felt deep shame. I spoke with my brother about it when he was 14, and he told me it was okay. Recently, I've been thinking about it again and feeling like I committed child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). Should I talk to my brother about it again? We have a good relationship now, and I didn't force or threaten him, but I feel remorseful and ashamed. How can I process these feelings?

Thank you for sharing your feelings and concerns. Please know that many people experience confusion and guilt when looking back at childhood interactions, and you are not alone.

When we reflect on our childhood and adolescence with the perspective and understanding we have as adults, it's common to reevaluate past actions and feel uncertain about them. During those formative years, children and teenagers are still learning about boundaries, relationships, and appropriate behavior.

The behaviors you described occurred when you were both children still developing your understanding of boundaries. When children engage in exploratory touching or boundary-crossing behaviors, it's fundamentally different from adult-to-child sexual abuse. Children typically don't have the same understanding of sexuality, consent, or the implications of their actions. What you're describing sounds like childhood curiosity and boundary confusion rather than predatory behavior.

Your recognition of the inappropriateness of these behaviors shows meaningful growth and moral development. The fact that you approached your brother about this when he was 14 demonstrates accountability. His response suggesting it was okay may reflect his own processing of the events, which can be different from yours.

It's important to note that you likely don't need to talk with your brother about this again, especially since you've already had one conversation where he expressed that it was okay. Bringing it up repeatedly could potentially be harmful to him, as it might force him to repeatedly process experiences he has already addressed in his own way. Your brother's healing journey and processing timeline may be different from yours, and respecting that difference is important.

Your current good relationship with your brother suggests these interactions likely didn't cause lasting harm. Many siblings who experienced similar childhood boundary confusion grow up to have healthy relationships with each other and others.

Processing these feelings typically involves several important steps: acknowledging what happened was inappropriate while understanding the context of your development, working on self-forgiveness while maintaining accountability, and recognizing that the child you were then is not the adult you are now. Many people find that speaking with a professional therapist who specializes in sexual development or trauma can be tremendously helpful in working through these complex feelings.

Remember that healing isn't linear, and self-compassion is an essential part of the process. The fact that you're reflecting on this with such concern shows your values today and your commitment to being a caring person. You're not alone in reflecting on and questioning past experiences. It's a natural part of growing and understanding ourselves better.