I have been in a relationship with my current significant other for about 5 months. They love me and treat me well. They know my past and make me feel safe. However, it has been hard for me to mentally move past my previous relationship, which had a lot of emotional abuse and sexual abuse. How do I get my brain out of the "survival" mode in relationships so I can truly love my partner the way they (and I) deserve?

Thank you for reaching out to us. First and foremost, I want to acknowledge the strength you've shown in moving forward from an abusive relationship. The fact that you're now in a loving, supportive partnership is truly hopeful and a testament to your resilience.

It's completely normal and understandable that you're finding it challenging to fully relax into your current relationship. Your brain learned to operate in "survival mode" as a way to protect you from harm, and it will take time to rewire those patterns. Please be patient and gentle with yourself as you navigate this healing process.

To start, continue communicating openly with your partner about your feelings and needs. Their understanding can be a powerful support in your healing journey. Gradually challenge your "survival mode" thoughts when you notice them. Remind yourself of the safety and love in your current relationship. You should also engage in self-care activities that make you feel safe and nurtured. This can help reinforce to your brain that you're no longer in danger.

Consider practicing mindfulness exercises daily. These can help ground you in the present moment and reduce anxiety about past experiences. Try simple breathing exercises or guided meditations specifically designed for trauma survivors. Other strategies can include keeping a journal to track your thoughts and feelings, which can make it easier to address triggers.

Over time, gradually expose yourself to physical and emotional intimacy with your partner at a pace that feels comfortable for you. This might involve setting small goals, like holding hands for longer periods or sharing deeper conversations.

Finally, if you feel you need additional support, don't hesitate to ask for it. Consider joining a support group for survivors of abuse. Connecting with others who have similar experiences can provide validation and additional coping strategies. You might also benefit from working with a therapist trained in trauma-informed care, particularly someone experienced in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). These approaches can be particularly effective in processing trauma and changing thought patterns.

Remember, healing is a journey, not a destination. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work through this process. Your awareness and desire to change are already significant steps forward. With time, support, and consistent effort, you can learn to fully embrace the love and safety in your current relationship. Healing is possible. You are not alone.