I feel out of control and can feel my abuser's hands on me constantly. I can't tell which thoughts are mine versus his, and he feels so present in my mind and heart that I can't escape him. I feel like I'm having constant panic attacks and it's exhausting. How do I begin to deal with this? Is there anything I can do to stop this feeling or at least distract myself?

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. What you are experiencing is incredibly challenging and exhausting, and I want you to know that your feelings are completely valid. You've been through a traumatic experience, and these overwhelming sensations and thoughts are common responses to trauma. They don't mean you're broken or that there's something wrong with you.

What you're describing-- feeling his hands on you, that persistent presence in your mind, the confusion about which thoughts are yours-- these are called somatic memories and intrusive thoughts. Trauma gets stored not just in our minds but in our bodies, and your nervous system is still responding as if the danger is present. Your body learned to survive something terrible, and it's still in that survival mode, working overtime to try to protect you.

One thing that might help is finding ways to ground yourself in the present moment. When you're in that constant state of panic, grounding techniques can help bring you back to now. Try focusing on your senses - notice the feeling of your feet on the floor, the texture of something you can touch, or the sounds you can hear around you. You might also try the 5-4-3-2-1 technique: notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. Cold water on your hands or face, holding ice cubes, or pressing your feet firmly into the ground can help remind your body where you are now. These small actions can sometimes help you reconnect with the here and now, giving your mind a brief relief from overwhelming thoughts.

For that constant panic feeling, deep, slow breathing can help calm your nervous system. Try breathing in for 4 counts, holding for 4, and exhaling for 6. For distraction, engaging activities that require focus can help interrupt those intrusive thoughts and sensations. This might be puzzles, art, music, physical movement, or anything that fully engages your attention. Some people find bilateral activities helpful. Those are things that engage both sides of your body like walking, drumming, or even tapping your knees alternately.

It may also be helpful to reach out to someone you trust. Sharing your feelings with a friend, family member, or support group can provide a sense of relief and remind you that you are not alone. There's strength in seeking connection with others who care about you. Working with a trauma-informed therapist can be incredibly helpful in learning to separate your authentic voice from those intrusive thoughts and in processing these overwhelming experiences safely.

Remember to be gentle with yourself. Healing takes time, and it's okay to take things one step at a time. Engaging in activities that you find calming or enjoyable, like listening to music, writing in a journal, or spending time in nature, can offer moments of peace amidst the chaos. Your nervous system can learn to feel safe again, though it takes time and often professional support.

Please know that you're not alone in this, and there are people who want to support you. Reaching out is a brave first step, and it's okay to ask for help when you need it. You deserve to feel peace in your own mind and body. Thank you so much for trusting us with this.