I experienced sexual contact with my older female cousin when I was between 7-10 years old. She instructed me to perform oral sex on her. My mom suspected something and asked if anything happened, but I denied it because I didn't feel violated at the time (I might have even enjoyed it) and was afraid of getting in trouble. I suppressed this memory until adulthood when I realized what happened. Now I feel intense shame and embarrassment. Is it normal to feel this way?

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. The delayed feelings of shame and embarrassment that you are experiencing years after a childhood sexual experience is actually very common. Many people who have experiences like yours in childhood don't fully process or understand them until adulthood, when they have more context about healthy sexual development and boundaries.

As a child between the ages of 7 and 10, you were still developing your understanding of boundaries and relationships. Your older cousin, being a preteen, was in a position of greater power and influence. This age difference creates a power imbalance, and it's important to recognize that children cannot consent to sexual activities, especially when there's pressure or guidance from an older individual.

It's common for survivors of childhood sexual experiences to have mixed emotions. Children often lack the framework to understand sexual experiences properly. Your brain might have protected you by not registering it as traumatic initially, which is a normal survival mechanism. At the time, you might not have felt violated, and it's natural for children to be curious or even find certain sensations pleasurable without fully understanding the context or implications. Feeling like you might have "enjoyed" it does not mean you did anything wrong. Children naturally seek approval and can experience physiological responses during sexual contact without it meaning they truly "wanted" or consented to the activity.

The shame you're feeling now can come from many places: recognizing the inappropriate nature of what happened, confusion about your initial reactions, or concern about having kept it secret. These feelings are natural parts of processing childhood sexual experiences when we revisit them with adult understanding. Suppressing these memories and then recalling them as an adult can bring up complex emotions, and it's important to be gentle with yourself as you navigate these feelings.

Please know that your reactions—both then and now—don't define you. What occurred was not your fault. You were a child in a situation that you couldn't fully comprehend or control. Many people have similar experiences and go through a range of emotions when they reflect on them later in life. You're not alone in this, and it's okay to feel the way you do.

Healing from these experiences often involves acknowledging what happened, understanding it wasn't your fault, and working through the complex emotions. Many people find it helpful to speak with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual experiences. They can provide personalized guidance for processing these difficult feelings in a safe environment. Be patient with yourself, and consider engaging in activities that bring you comfort and peace as you work through these emotions.

Your experience is valid, and so are your feelings about it—both past and present. With support and compassion for yourself, it is possible to work through these feelings of shame and move toward healing. Thank you for trusting us with this. We appreciate you.