I experienced several instances of sexual boundary violations beginning when I was 3 years old, involving older children who had themselves been exposed to abuse. At age 7, I repeated some of these behaviors with a younger friend, treating it as a 'game' like it had been presented to me. Years later in high school, this friend tried to reconnect with me, but I avoided her out of guilt. Am I a bad person? Was this COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse)? How can I manage my guilt, especially when my friend seemed ready to forgive me?

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It takes immense courage to reflect on and talk about such difficult childhood experiences, especially ones that have been weighing on you for so long.

What you've described reflects a common pattern in childhood sexual behaviors that stem from early exposure to inappropriate sexual content or experiences. The situations you encountered with the older boys at ages 3, 5-6, and 6 sound like boundary violations where you were harmed, and it's crucial to understand that none of this was your fault. Children often learn and mimic behaviors from those around them, especially when they lack proper guidance or education about boundaries and consent.

When you later repeated these behaviors with your friend at age 7, it's important to recognize that you were still a child trying to make sense of the experiences you'd been exposed to. Children at that age don't have the cognitive or emotional maturity to fully understand the consequences of such actions. You didn't have malicious intent or the awareness to grasp the potential impact.

Your current feelings of guilt actually reflect your growth, empathy, and the person you've become. It's natural to look back with adult understanding and feel responsible for actions taken as a child. However, this guilt is also a sign of your moral compass and emotional development, not evidence that you are a "bad person." You were a child responding to experiences without adequate protection or guidance.

Regarding your friend who wanted to reconnect in high school, her willingness to befriend you suggests she may not hold negative feelings about the past or perhaps doesn't view it through the same lens of harm that you now do as an adult. People process experiences differently, and her openness to friendship could be meaningful.

To work toward healing and easing the guilt you feel, consider acknowledging your feelings as valid while understanding the context of your childhood. Many survivors find that working with a trauma-informed therapist can help process these complex emotions and develop self-compassion. 

Remember that healing is a journey, and it's okay to take the time you need. You deserve compassion and forgiveness—especially from yourself. Our past experiences shape us but don't define who we are today. You've grown and learned, which is evident in your reflection and concern about these past events. Thank you for trusting us with this. We appreciate you.