I experienced inappropriate exposure to pornography from my older cousin when I was around 5-6 years old. Later, at age 10-11, I engaged in inappropriate touching with my younger sister (age 3-4) once or twice. I didn't understand it was wrong at the time due to my early trauma and exposure to inappropriate content. I also witnessed domestic violence at home. I'm now feeling troubled about these events and seeking to understand them.

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story with us. It takes a lot of courage to talk about experiences that have been weighing on your mind, especially when they involve complex feelings and memories from childhood. 

From what you've described, it sounds like you went through some confusing and challenging experiences when you were younger. Being exposed to pornography at a young age and experiencing inappropriate actions from an older cousin can significantly impact a child's understanding of boundaries and what's appropriate. Children often learn by observing and mimicking the behaviors they see, especially when they don't have guidance to help them make sense of those experiences.

When you were around 10 or 11, it seems you engaged in behaviors with your younger sister that you didn't realize were wrong at the time. It's important to recognize that as a child, you were still developing cognitively and emotionally. You didn't have the knowledge or maturity to fully understand the implications of those actions. The fact that you now feel odd or unsettled about the situation indicates that you have a better understanding of boundaries and appropriate behavior as you've grown older.

It's common for people to reflect on past experiences and feel confused, guilty, or ashamed, especially when they realize that something they did in the past wasn't right. But it's important to be compassionate with yourself. You were a child navigating complex situations without the necessary guidance or support. The responsibility for what happened at that time doesn't rest solely on your shoulders.

Given the exposure to inappropriate content and experiences, as well as the difficult family dynamics you mentioned, it's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed. It might be helpful to speak with a mental health professional who specializes in childhood trauma or abuse. They can provide a safe, confidential space for you to explore these feelings, help you understand how these experiences have impacted you, and support you in processing any emotions that are arising now.

 

Be kind to yourself, and give yourself permission to seek the assistance you deserve. Thank you again for trusting us with your story. We're here for you, and we support you as you navigate this journey.