Did I commit COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse)? I'm dealing with guilt and shame about sexual experiences I had during childhood. Between ages 6-14, I engaged in sexual behaviors with family members close to my age, including a cousin my age, my younger sister (who is 3 years younger), and my nephew. These experiences included playing inappropriately with dolls, humping each other occasionally, and sometimes touching and licking. An older family member also performed oral sex on me during this time, which felt secretive and sometimes happened even when I didn't want it. Around age 12, I was groomed by a 23-year-old man. The behaviors with my sister and nephew stopped when I was around 14 because I felt gross and was developing more compared to them. I've asked my sister and nephew about these experiences, and they said we were being curious and that I should let it go. I want to become a teacher and help people, but I'm struggling with these memories. Was this abuse?

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. I can hear how much pain and confusion you're carrying about these childhood experiences. The guilt and shame you're feeling make sense given everything you're trying to process, but I want you to know that what happened is more complicated than the story your shame is telling you.

Here's what really stands out to me... it sounds like you were being sexually abused during all of this. An older family member was performing oral sex on you and doing things even when you didn't want to, and at 12 you were being groomed by a 23-year-old adult. These weren't just things happening in the background. It sounds like they were actively shaping how you understood your body, boundaries, and sexuality during the exact same years that the sexual behaviors with your sister and nephew were occurring.

When children are sexually abused, it's actually really common for them to engage in sexual behaviors with other kids. It's not because they're abusers themselves. It's because they're trying to make sense of something that's deeply confusing and that they don't have the developmental capacity to understand. Your brain was probably working overtime to process experiences no child should ever have to process, and sexual play with peers can be part of that. It doesn't make you someone who intentionally hurt others. It makes you a kid who was hurting.

Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) generally looks different from what you're describing. It usually involves clear power imbalances, coercion, force, or one child continuing behaviors even when the other child is clearly distressed or saying no. What you're describing with your sister and nephew sounds more like sexual behaviors between kids who were relatively close in age. I know you and your sister had a three-year gap, but you were both children, and the behaviors you mention like humping each other and playing inappropriately with dolls sound mutual rather than forced. Yes, it sounds like there were times when touching and licking happened, but context matters here. You weren't an adult taking advantage of younger children. You were all kids, and you yourself were being harmed.

What really matters here is that you've actually talked to your sister and nephew about this. They told you they see it as curiosity and that you need to let it go. That's their experience of what happened, and their perspective counts. They're not telling you they feel harmed or violated. They're telling you they're okay and that you're holding onto something they don't need you to carry.

I also want to acknowledge that the shame you're feeling might actually be about your own abuse. Sometimes it's easier to blame ourselves for things we feel we had some control over than to sit with the painful reality that we were victimized and powerless. Feeling guilty about the experiences with your sister and nephew might feel more manageable than feeling the full weight of what was done to you by your older family member and that adult who groomed you. But you were a child navigating an impossible situation, and you deserve the same compassion you'd give to any kid in those circumstances.

Your dream of becoming a teacher and helping people isn't something you should give up because of childhood experiences that happened while you were being abused. Plenty of people who've been through trauma go on to do beautiful, meaningful work supporting others. You've already shown a lot of courage in facing these memories and actually checking in with your sister and nephew about their experience. That takes real care and accountability. Those are exactly the qualities that make someone good at helping others.

You were a child who was being hurt, and you were doing your best to survive and make sense of a world that wasn't safe. That's the truth here. Thank you for trusting us with this. We are rooting for you.