Childhood memories have recently resurfaced following a difficult breakup that impacted my sexuality and sex drive. When I was around 7-8 years old, I initiated what I called a 'game' with my two younger sisters (aged 4-5 and 2-3) under blankets, occurring perhaps 1-3 times. This involved making out and having my middle sister apply pressure to my private area while our youngest sister was present but looking away. I'm deeply ashamed and concerned about potential trauma I may have caused. I haven't disclosed this to anyone, including my therapist, as I can't bring myself to say the words. I'm struggling with intense shame and intrusive thoughts about whether and how this might affect my sister's adult life. I pray she doesn't remember it. These thoughts surface especially when I'm not busy or thinking about sexual things. I want her to be okay and don't want to tell her or anyone else. I just want to know what to do.

Thank you for reaching out and sharing something so personal. Childhood experiences can be confusing, and it's not uncommon for children to engage in exploratory behavior without fully understanding what they're doing. It's understandable that these memories are causing you significant distress, and your concern for your sister shows deep empathy and responsibility. Many people experience memories resurfacing during times of significant life changes or during periods when we're processing our relationships and sexuality differently.

Children naturally experience curiosity about their bodies and relationships as part of normal development. At young ages, children often engage in exploratory play as they try to make sense of the world around them, including relationships and physical sensations. This curiosity can take many forms and comes from many sources - things they've seen in movies or TV, overheard conversations, observed interactions between others, or simply trying to understand their own bodies and feelings. At the ages you mentioned, all of you were very young and still learning about boundaries and appropriate interactions. It's important to remember that you were a child yourself, navigating the world with limited knowledge and understanding.

The guilt and worry you're experiencing now show that you care deeply about your sister's well-being. It's natural to be concerned about how past events might have affected her. However, holding onto intense shame and self-blame may not be helpful for either of you.

Your recognition of the complexity of these experiences and your concern about their impact shows emotional maturity and growth. The fact that these memories intrude especially during quiet moments or when thinking about sexual matters suggests this is causing you significant emotional distress that deserves support. Working through these memories with a trauma-informed therapist could help you process these experiences and develop healthy coping strategies. While shame might make disclosure feel impossible right now, therapists are trained to handle these sensitive topics without judgment and can help you understand these childhood experiences within their developmental context.

Remember that punishing yourself for actions that took place when you were a young child isn't fair to the person you are today. If you're experiencing intrusive thoughts and difficulty when not keeping busy, these are natural responses to carrying heavy emotional weight that can be addressed through professional support. There are confidential resources available, including RAINN's hotline and online chat services, where trained advocates can help you explore next steps when you're ready. They can also help you think through any decisions about disclosure to family members, which is a personal choice that doesn't need to be made immediately.

Healing often involves understanding, forgiveness, and compassion—for both yourself and others. Your commitment to understanding the impact of these experiences and your deep concern for your sister's wellbeing shows you're already taking important steps toward healing. The fact that you're questioning these experiences now, as an adult, demonstrates growth in your understanding of boundaries and relationships. You're not alone in this journey, and support is available when you're ready to take that step.

You're not alone in this, and help is available when you're ready. Take care of yourself.