Question

At age 6, someone 3 years older began sexual activities with me that continued until I was 10 when they moved away. While I went along with it and eventually saw it as normal, I didn't understand what I was agreeing to, especially at first. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) even though I technically agreed?

Answer

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your experience. I'm sorry you've been carrying this weight. Your feelings, questions, and concerns are completely valid.

When it comes to childhood experiences like the one you've described, things can be quite complex. It's important to remember that at the ages you mentioned—starting when you were 6 and the other person was 9—neither of you were at an age where you could truly understand or give informed consent in the way adults do. Children, especially very young ones, are still learning about boundaries, relationships, and their own bodies. They rely on older individuals to guide them appropriately.

You mentioned that you didn't understand what you were consenting to at first and later thought it was normal. This is a common experience among children in similar situations. It's important to recognize that "technical consent" from a child doesn't hold the same weight because children may not fully grasp the implications of the activities or may feel influenced by the other person.

The fact that the other person was three years older is also significant. While three years might not seem like a large gap among adults, during childhood, it can represent a considerable difference in development, understanding, and power dynamics. A 9-year-old and a 6-year-old are at different stages of cognitive and emotional development, though of course it is important to recognize that they were also a child with limited understanding.

Childhood sexual experiences that involve a significant age difference or understanding between the children can sometimes be considered Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA), especially if one child is initiating activities that the other doesn't fully comprehend or if there's any form of coercion or manipulation, even if it wasn't intentional. Normal childhood exploration typically involves children of similar ages, mutual curiosity, spontaneous and playful behavior, and an equal level of power and understanding. However, when there's ongoing sexual behaviors, secrecy, or one child having more knowledge or control over the situation, this often indicates the interaction has moved beyond typical exploration into potentially harmful territory.

It's important to acknowledge that only you can define and interpret your own experiences. Labels can sometimes be helpful, but they can also feel limiting or uncomfortable. What's most important is how these experiences have affected you and how you feel about them now.

While understanding the nature of what happened can be helpful, your feelings and responses to these memories are valid regardless of how you categorize the experience. Many people find that childhood experiences that seemed normal at the time take on different meaning as they grow older and gain new understanding.

If you're finding these memories causing confusion or distress, speaking with a mental health professional who specializes in childhood experiences could provide valuable support. They can help you process these complex feelings in a safe, non-judgmental environment and develop strategies for managing any impact these experiences might have on your life now.

Remember, it's okay to seek support, and you don't have to go through this alone. You deserve understanding, compassion, and care as you explore these feelings. Thank you again for reaching out and trusting us with your story. We appreciate you.