As a child from ages 5-10, I was regularly sexually assaulted by my older cousin who was about 7+ years older. I never told anyone. Years later, I remembered instances where I showed my private parts to my younger siblings. They expressed discomfort and I respected their boundaries, though my cousin never respected mine. Nothing physical happened with my siblings, but I feel immense guilt. I worry what I did was sexual assault, though I hope I'm wrong. I don't want to be a bad person. I love my siblings deeply and never wanted an inappropriate relationship with them. We've never discussed this, and I've told no one. What should I do?

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. First and foremost, please know that you are not a bad person. You were a child who experienced something that no child should ever have to endure, and the feelings of guilt you're carrying are understandable but misplaced.

What you've described is a common pattern seen in children who have experienced sexual abuse. When children are sexually abused, they sometimes repeat behaviors they've been exposed to without fully understanding their meaning or inappropriateness. This is called "sexually reactive behavior" and differs significantly from the deliberate sexual assault that was perpetrated against you. It's not uncommon for children in such situations to mimic or reenact what has happened to them, often without fully understanding what they are doing.

Your experience shows several important signs that distinguish your childhood behavior from abuse. You responded to your siblings' boundaries immediately. You also felt discomfort about the behavior even as a child, and you had no intention to harm. These reactions demonstrate that even as a young person who had been victimized, you maintained empathy and respect for others. The fact that you respected your siblings when they expressed discomfort shows that you cared about their feelings, even then. Your love for them is evident, and the guilt you're feeling now is actually a sign of your moral compass and care for your siblings.

It's important to recognize that you were navigating a difficult and confusing time without the tools or support that you needed. Your cousin's abuse taught you harmful patterns that you were too young to fully process or understand. The guilt you're experiencing reflects your empathy and concern, but it's crucial to remember that you were not at fault for the abuse you suffered or the confusion it caused.

Healing from this complex situation typically involves working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse. They can help you process both the original trauma you experienced and the guilt you feel about your reactive behaviors. Many survivors find that understanding the context of their childhood behaviors helps reduce shame and allows them to move forward.

Forgiving yourself can be a challenging process, but taking steps toward healing is a positive and courageous move. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this journey. Remember that seeking help is an act of courage and commitment to your own healing, not a confirmation that you're a "bad person." Your awareness and concern demonstrate your capacity for growth and healing.

Thank you for trusting us with your story. You're not alone in this, and help is available.