Survivors aren’t all we are!

My abuse started from day one of my birth. Both my mother, father and older sister have the sickness of narcissism, and had me simply to be used as their prey. The abuse went on mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, including being added to later on by my sister’s narcissistic daughter and son, until I was strong enough from years of my own self development to cut them all out of my life at the age of 46yrs old. Then the true healing began, unlocking the memories that I had chosen to forget, unblinding my mind from their manipulation and releasing my body from chronic health problems. This phase has been ongoing for the last 7 years and I’m almost completely free from all the ptsd and triggers that made me want to avoid being me, smiling, intelligent, kind, giving, wise, assertive with high self and other respect. All my strengths were linked up by them as the reason for their violence and cruelty. They manipulated all my friends and relatives and my support inc teachers to not know me and believe things about me that weren’t true. As I eventually started to believe them as well I lost my belief that I knew the truth about them and the pain and distress they were causing me. Because of them I was regularly set up throughout my first 17yrs of life for sexual abuse, the first time when I was eight outside my family home in the street behind a parked car. They manipulated a teenager who was autistic to sexually abuse me, they were grooming me to think that behaviour was normal. I knew it wasn’t and kept developing my strengths in right from wrong as best I could. Then again I was sexually abused in the school swimming pool when I was 10yrs old by 3 boys aged 11. My family also had a hand in this happening. This led to years of intimidation from the main boy lead to stop me from telling anyone what him and his accomplices had done. They also set me up to be raped when we were on holiday at age 16yrs and physically and verbally assaulted me immediately after I told them I just been raped. Reinforcing that I couldn’t tell anyone so I didn’t until I was in my late 40’s. They’ve done lots of other usual predatory, co-ercive things including stealing all my savings, trying to get me the sack when I wasn’t self-employed and working for someone else. They even called the police accusing me of leaving malicious messages on their phone. The police believed me though and left me with the choice of pressing charges against all of them, including the now adult who sexually assaulted me at school. I declined, the stress, more trauma, more of their manipulation and intimidation with no guarantees of any real justice being done put me off pressing charges against any of them. Unfortunately when you’re caught in one abusive lair/trap you are vulnerable to other predators. So my best friends dad also sexually assaulted me when I was 14, my family knew this and used the trauma to traumatise me more and to cover up the paedophile’s crimes. Thankfully, years later I found out his wife had divorced him because he was sexually assaulting their youngest daughter. At least my ex best friend finally knew I hadn’t made it up to hurt her, although I couldn’t stop her father hurting her sister as I would have chosen to get justice done back then if my parents hadn’t stopped me. I also got trapped for 5 and a half yrs in a “relationship” with a coercive narcissist in my 20’s. I left eventually with loss of self-esteem, loss of cash, loss of friends and vowing not to get emotionally involved with a man for a long time, which I didn’t. But now have a healthy relationship with a genuine kind and self empowered man. Healing properly on all levels takes time. Mental abuse is as toxic as any physical abuse and creates many physical health problems. I kept myself mentally strong to the best of my ability and only opened “Pandoras box” when I knew I was strong enough to go through my past to give myself a better quality of life and the physical health that I knew I would and could have without any effects of the abuse. I’m 53 now and slowly but surely I’m coming home to how I choose to be and think, the truth is what I’ve been uncovering and seeing as only through that could I truly heal.