Trauma Is Not Fun 2020

I was a teenager. I was abused by a cousin. I doubted my experience for decades, largely because military trauma buried so much of my life before that time. In talking to my sibling, I discovered they too had been abused, raped repeatedly by this same cousin a few years earlier. It damaged both of us. I figured it out when dealing with my own military PTSD. I do not dare ever ever discuss this at the VA. They can then use prior evidence of trauma as a disqualification for VA benefits, regardless of how much evidence there is of trauma in the military. I dissociate, and have since childhood. It has impacted my ability to have relationships. I'm tired of being screamed at by my few partners when I dissociate during intimacy. My military experiences made it all worse. No one treats this anywhere near me. The research clinic of the nearest big well funded University says there aren't even studies on multiple source trauma like this, let alone therapy. Even if there were, the VA does not pay for it, as it falls under sexual dysfunction. They hand out Viagra, but nothing else. I have a therapist who is golden. I have a psych for maint. medications. I despair of finding a partner ever again. I have hope but no expectations of happiness. That would be unrealistic.