Too young

i am sharing my story here because i need to be honest with myself about what happened to me. i have told a few others about what has happened to me but i always lie about who did it, saying i don't remember because i am too embarrassed to actually say who it was and i am hoping that maybe by doing this i will find some sense of self. it started when i was about in fourth grade i was maybe nine, and ended when i was in 8th grade i was 13. My twin brother was my assaulter. it started out as something i thought as innocent. he called it a game. he would call the game "butt sniffers".in the beginning he would have me lay on my stomach, fully clothed and he would lay on top of me with his face on my butt. it would last about two minutes and then he would say game over. mind you, i was young and had no idea what sex was at all or anything sexual so i thought it was my brother being weird. as the years went on the game progressed. next he would have me take my pants off so i was in my underwear and he would stay there longer. at this point i would start saying no because i knew that something was wrong with this. it made me feel dirty and uncomfortable. he started blackmailing me in a way to keep doing it. my father was very abusive so he would threaten to tell my dad i failed a test, said a cuss word etc if i didn't do what he wanted. i would cry and he still wouldnt care. it progressed into my underwear being completely off at this point and years later towards the end of the abuse he would have m completely naked bent over rubbing his penis on my vagina and inserting the tip. it was an almost everyday thing. me crying telling him to stop but him saying if i didnt listen to him he was going to tell on me to my dad. to me at the time, whatever my brother was doing to me was better than being beat because atleast i wasnt in phyical pain but i didn't realize the emotional pain that this would cause me then and later in life. i never told on him fo what he as doing because i was embarrassed and ashamed. all of what he did to me lead to me dating sexually abusive men through my highschool years. i was raped again by my freshman year boyfriend. he held me down n the bed covering my mouth so i didn't make a sound as he forced himself in me while i was crying trying to push him away. i am 19 now and finally decided that i am going to seek help. my appearances with rape have caused me severe psychological issues. i have GAD, PTSD, and major depressive disorder. i feel hopeless all the time and never think things will ever get better. i hope that one day i will be at peace with this and find happiness.