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Survivor story

This is why August is my least favorite month

Original story

Message of Healing

I don't know. For ten years I locked my experience as far away in my mind as possible. Then I found a book with vacation photos from one of those vacations, and I had a dream. I want to heal, and I have come far, but I don't know if it is possible.

I don't know if my story is as traumatizing as others, but I have to share. I was between the ages of 5 to 10. My parents split when I was about 4, so half the summer I spend with my dad. We always went on a 2 week vacation to Spain. Just me, my brother(then sister), my dad and his best friend. His best friend is called Raymond. I only saw him once or twice a year, and always dreaded the day I would be seeing him again. In the pool, he'd always pick us up even though we were not comfortable with him doing that. He always stared at us, especially when I wore my swimming clothes or when I pulled off my shirt because it was too hot. I didn't understand it back then, but it felt wrong. I hated Raymond. He never gave me the privacy I needed and I didn't want to be alone with him. I told my dad, but he doesn't understand. He made excuses as to why Raymond was acting that way. The final straw happened when me and my brother were about 10. We were both in the bathroom taking a bath, and Raymond barged in and pulled the curtain away. I don't remember what happened next, just that I screamed. My dad always said after the bath incident, as I call it, he made sure to keep Raymond away from us. But he failed to protect me as a kid and I can never forgive him for that. My relationship with my dad is not good because this still lingers in my mind. I am almost 20 years old now. For more then ten years I couldn't look at myself. I have my first boyfriend now, and this experience is in the way between intimate activities often. I still feel disgusted by myself often. I don't want anyone to look at me sexually, sometimes not even my own boyfriend. I wish my dad had protected me like a good father. And I wish he would believe me.

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Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1. Where am I?

2. What day of the week is today?

3. What is today’s date?

4. What is the current month?

5. What is the current year?

6. How old am I?

7. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.