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Survivor story

Thank you to the guy who didn't assault me

Original story

I'm writing this to help me cope. It feels sometimes like it was maybe inevitable that I would be sexually assaulted. I didn't know anything. And I'm aroace and didn't realize it, didn't realize the extent of drives and urges other people have. I thought relationships were about compromise, too, and I was more than willing to. I shouldn't be selfish, after all. I was used to feeling like I had to change for others, that my feelings didn't matter, and it could be worse. There was a guy I had strong feelings for, I thought it was a crush but I think moreso a squish now. I wanted to be good friends more than anything else. I wanted to go on bike rides and talk and open up, those were my fantasies. And he didn't like me back. We were friends, but not very close. We'd do homework sometimes together, I'd hang out after class in his dorm sometimes. Sometimes his roommate was there and sometimes not. He texted me once asking if I like liked him. I said yes. He said his feelings weren't the same. I pined for attention, I wanted someone I could open up to and be myself with. I'm not sure I had the communication skills to be able to do so, but I wanted that. Now, I thank the heavenly stars he never liked me back. Thank God, thank the Goddess, thank the saints and Mary. I'm so fucking glad he never liked me. That he never wanted anything romantic or sexual from me. Thank you, M. Thank you for not taking advantage of me. He could have done so much to me and I wouldn't have realized until years later. He could've told me to keep everything a secret and I would have. He could have so easily raped me and I probably would've kept vying for his attention and not known and held it in secret and protected him for years. So, I know this is not the kind of thank you you're supposed to give people, but thank you for not assaulting me. Thank you for not raping me and fucking me up when it would have been so easy to.

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Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1. Where am I?

2. What day of the week is today?

3. What is today’s date?

4. What is the current month?

5. What is the current year?

6. How old am I?

7. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.